God knows it’s OK to be unhap­py with your part­ner. They’ve got those traits that irks you, the ones you’d rather not deal with. They won’t close the toi­let bowl when it’s not in use, pre­fer to turn the ther­mo­stat set­tings to ‘Arc­tic Chill’ rather than stay warm as humans should and squeeze the tooth­paste from the mid­dle instead of the bot­tom. When these things reach us, we react. We may crit­i­cize, become defen­sive, give the silent treat­ment, or use sar­casm reck­less­ly. These com­mu­ni­ca­tion pat­terns are tox­ic and known as the 4 horse­men of the apoc­a­lypse, or the 4 horse­men of com­mu­ni­ca­tion. While these reac­tions are com­mon, they become prob­lem­at­ic when they form a pat­tern. Through the sheer pow­er of rep­e­ti­tion, neg­a­tive com­mu­ni­ca­tion can become the default, entrench­ing tox­ic pat­terns in the rela­tion­ship. The key is to rec­og­nize when these occa­sion­al curve­balls evolve into harm­ful com­mu­ni­ca­tion habits and address them before they destroy your rela­tion­ship.

4 horsemen of communication: Origins

So where do these tox­ic com­mu­ni­ca­tion pat­terns come from? The ori­gin sto­ry of most (if not all) tox­ic com­mu­ni­ca­tion pat­terns starts in child­hood. Even if sub­con­scious­ly, we let neg­a­tive expe­ri­ences from our child­hood affect how we com­mu­ni­cate with our part­ners. For exam­ple, those who received acts of love from their par­ents or care­givers as infants only when they per­formed well may find it easy to attack their part­ner’s per­son­al­i­ty rather than their behav­ior in an argu­ment.

They may uncon­scious­ly start to mim­ic the com­mu­ni­ca­tion style of their par­ents or care­givers, believ­ing that point­ing out per­son­al flaws is a form of moti­va­tion or tough love. The few­er flaws you have, the more love you get. That may sound far-fetched, but it’s not. It real­ly is about cop­ing the way we know how.

Many tox­ic com­mu­ni­ca­tion pat­terns begin as a strat­e­gy to adapt to hos­tile child­hood envi­ron­ments. Chil­dren who were fre­quent­ly blamed or scape­goat­ed may devel­op defen­sive­ness as a way to cope. While these strate­gies were help­ful for us as chil­dren to avoid emo­tion­al hurt and bruis­es, they are a mis­fit in adult rela­tion­ships.

 

Toxic communication patterns — The Four Horsemen of Communication

Many tox­ic com­mu­ni­ca­tion pat­terns exist under dif­fer­ent names. It’s a very long list. How­ev­er, if we’re look­ing for a clas­si­fi­ca­tion broad enough to include the most tox­ic com­mu­ni­ca­tion styles, it’s ‘The Four Horse­men.’

Dr. John Gottman coined the term to iden­ti­fy four major tox­ic com­mu­ni­ca­tion styles — con­tempt, crit­i­cism, defen­sive­ness, and stonewalling.

Let’s go over the mean­ing of these terms and what to do if you find your­self com­mu­ni­cat­ing in a tox­ic way.

Criticism

Pattern

Attack­ing your part­ner’s char­ac­ter or per­son­al­i­ty rather than focus­ing on a spe­cif­ic behav­ior or con­cern.

Examples

Char­ac­ter attack, gen­er­al­iza­tion, unhealthy com­par­i­son, and label­ing.

Origin

Root­ed in child­hood expe­ri­ences where love or approval was con­di­tion­al on per­for­mance, where love was received only after obe­di­ence and com­port­ment.

What to do

• Focus on spe­cif­ic sit­u­a­tions or behav­iors rather than mak­ing state­ments attack­ing your partner’s per­son­al­i­ty
• Reg­u­lar­ly appre­ci­ate the pos­i­tive traits of your part­ner to bal­ance out neg­a­tive inter­ac­tions
• Use “I” state­ments. It’s not ‘You nev­er have time for me. You’re such a bor­ing per­son.’ Go with ‘I feel sad that we didn’t do a fun activ­i­ty today. I was look­ing for­ward to it. Can you make more time for me?’

 

Defensiveness

Pattern

Respond­ing to crit­i­cism (per­ceived or real) by counter-attack­ing or play­ing the vic­tim rather than tak­ing respon­si­bil­i­ty for one’s role in the issue.

Examples

Gaslight­ing, counter-attack­ing, play­ing the vic­tim, mak­ing excus­es, ‘Yes, but’ state­ments, steam­rolling and deflect­ing respon­si­bil­i­ty.

Origin

Typ­i­cal­ly devel­ops as a self-pro­tec­tion mech­a­nism, often in response to harsh crit­i­cism or feel­ings of inad­e­qua­cy in child­hood or past rela­tion­ships.

What to do

• Take respon­si­bil­i­ty for your part in con­flicts and apol­o­gize when nec­es­sary
• Lis­ten to your part­ner’s con­cerns with­out imme­di­ate­ly try­ing to explain or jus­ti­fy
• Val­i­date your part­ner’s thoughts and emo­tions
• Try not to see feed­back as an attack on you

 

Contempt

Pattern

Con­tempt may be the most dom­i­nant of the horse­men because it can break up the best of rela­tion­ships. It is typ­i­cal­ly expressed by treat­ing your part­ner with dis­re­spect, mock­ery, or disdain—almost as if you believe they are infe­ri­or to you.

You may even see your part­ner as a com­pe­ti­tion, con­stant­ly doing things to out­shine or under­mine them.

Examples

Eye-rolling, judgy, name-call­ing, sar­casm, talk­ing over your part­ner, or hos­tile humor.

Origin

It can be root­ed in a sense of supe­ri­or­i­ty or a lack of empa­thy. You’re more like­ly to com­mu­ni­cate this way if you were reg­u­lar­ly belit­tled as a child.

What to do

• Cul­ti­vate a cul­ture of appre­ci­a­tion and respect by lis­ten­ing active­ly and using kind words every time, even when you’re angry
• Work on build­ing fond­ness and admi­ra­tion for your part­ner
• Seek cou­ples ther­a­py to address under­ly­ing issues

 

Stonewalling

Pattern

With­draw­ing from the inter­ac­tion, shut­ting down, and refus­ing to engage. This gen­er­al­ly hap­pens when a con­flict feels too much to han­dle.

It’s also used to avoid dis­cussing seri­ous issues.

Examples

Tun­ing out, giv­ing the silent treat­ment, refus­ing to engage, overus­ing the busy-ness excuse.

Origin

Often devel­ops as a cop­ing mech­a­nism in child­hood, par­tic­u­lar­ly in house­holds where emo­tion­al expres­sion is dis­cour­aged or pun­ished.

What to do

• Rec­og­nize phys­i­o­log­i­cal signs of emo­tion­al flood­ing, like a desire to escape, sweat­ing and an inabil­i­ty to think clear­ly
• To bet­ter man­age those signs, you can agree on a ‘pause’ sig­nal to take a break from heat­ed dis­cus­sions
• Use self-sooth­ing tech­niques like deep breath­ing in tense con­ver­sa­tions
• Com­mit to revis­it­ing the con­ver­sa­tion when both part­ners are calm

Couples therapy in person

Rela­tion­ships are like gar­dens. The words you exchange are the water and sun­light that nour­ish your con­nec­tion or with­er it away.

When respect and com­pas­sion flow through con­ver­sa­tions, rela­tion­ships blos­som. But when tox­ic com­mu­ni­ca­tion pat­terns take root, they can choke out even the strongest bonds.

Next time you’re in a heat­ed dis­cus­sion, pause and ask your­self: “Is this tru­ly the most lov­ing way to respond to my part­ner?” This sim­ple ques­tion can be a pow­er­ful tool for self-reflec­tion and change.

Build­ing a health­i­er com­mu­ni­ca­tion style is like learn­ing any new skill – it takes prac­tice.

Start by focus­ing on these key ele­ments:

Respect — treat your part­ner’s feel­ings and opin­ions as valid, even when dis­agree­ing.

Com­pas­sion —  approach dis­cus­sions with empa­thy.

Active lis­ten­ing means gen­uine­ly hear­ing your part­ner’s words, not just wait­ing for your turn to speak.

‘I’ state­ments — express your feel­ings with­out blam­ing or attack­ing.

At first, these tech­niques might feel awk­ward, like learn­ing a new dance. But stick with it, and soon, you’ll find that it’s total­ly worth it.

Therapists in Provo Utah

If you’re strug­gling with man­ag­ing tox­ic com­mu­ni­ca­tion, reach out for cou­ples ther­a­py at Bridge­Hope Fam­i­ly Ther­a­py.

Dr. Brad­ford Stuc­ki, licensed mar­riage and fam­i­ly ther­a­pist is skilled at both spot­ting and help­ing cou­ples to elim­i­nate their tox­ic com­mu­ni­ca­tion pat­terns, espe­cial­ly the 4 horse­men of com­mu­ni­ca­tion.

Sched­ule your free 15-minute con­sul­ta­tion