Being a man

We exist in a world that con­stant­ly mea­sures our worth by what we accom­plish.  The whole thing can be a lot to process, espe­cial­ly if you’re very ambi­tious or the type of per­son who con­stant­ly mea­sures per­son­al suc­cess against your peers. That crush­ing feel­ing when you look at your goals and see the gap between them and your real­i­ty hurts—deeply. 

I’ve sat across from count­less peo­ple who speak about them­selves with such harsh­ness when they feel they’ve failed. They use words they would nev­er say to some­one they love. 

This dis­con­nect between who we are and what we achieve cre­ates suf­fer­ing that seeps into every cor­ner of our lives. But your pro­duc­tiv­i­ty or achieve­ments don’t mea­sure your worth, and it’s cer­tain­ly not mea­sured by the accom­plish­ments of oth­ers. 

Learning to love yourself

By your­self, regard­less of any­thing good or excel­lent you’ve ever accom­plished, you are wor­thy of love and car­ry incred­i­ble val­ue. 

But talk is cheap, yes? Almost impos­si­ble not to berate your­self when you’re not doing enough. So, let’s do more than talk. Here are sev­en ways to nur­ture self-love even when achieve­ment feels dis­tant: 

 

Separate your worth from your work

Your achieve­ments aren’t you. They’re things you do, not who you are. Start notic­ing when you tie your iden­ti­ty to out­comes. 

When you catch your­self think­ing “I’m a fail­ure” after some­thing does­n’t work out, try refram­ing it as “That attempt did­n’t suc­ceed” instead.

Prac­tice say­ing: “I am not my accom­plish­ments. I have inher­ent val­ue that exists inde­pen­dent­ly of what I achieve.”

Anoth­er exer­cise that can help:

Try writ­ing down five qual­i­ties you pos­sess that have noth­ing to do with achieve­ment – per­haps your kind­ness, sense of humor, or how you lis­ten to friends. 

Whether you suc­ceed or not, these traits exist and are most like­ly the things peo­ple will remem­ber about you when you’re no longer around.

 

Honor your efforts, not just outcomes

We often dis­miss the jour­ney when the des­ti­na­tion dis­ap­points us. 

A client once said she felt like “noth­ing” after not get­ting into her dream grad­u­ate pro­gram. When we unpacked the work she’d put in – late nights study­ing, per­son­al growth, new skills acquired – she real­ized she’d gained tremen­dous val­ue regard­less of the out­come.

That is what it’s all about!

Each evening, note one effort you made today. Maybe you tried a new approach to a prob­lem, showed up despite feel­ing dis­cour­aged, or did­n’t give up even when you had enough rea­sons to. 

These efforts mat­ter deeply, so add them to your achieve­ment score­card.

 

Redefine what “achievement” means

Our cul­ture nar­row­ly defines achieve­ment through career advance­ment, finan­cial suc­cess, or pub­lic recog­ni­tion. But we very quick­ly for­get the qui­et vic­to­ries: the days you man­aged your anx­i­ety bet­ter, the dif­fi­cult con­ver­sa­tion you final­ly had, and the bound­aries you set.

Cre­ate your own achieve­ment list that hon­ors growth, not just exter­nal mark­ers of suc­cess. Include things like “I asked for help when I need­ed it” or “I sat with uncom­fort­able feel­ings instead of avoid­ing them.”

 

Practice self-compassion during setbacks

When I con­versed with a young father who lost a job oppor­tu­ni­ty, his self-talk became bru­tal. We worked on speak­ing to him­self as he would to his daugh­ter when she strug­gled. He’d nev­er tell her that she’s worth­less because she’s strug­gling with learn­ing to ride a bike.

It’s just a bike; he knows she’ll improve with prac­tice. And even if she didn’t, it still wouldn’t mat­ter.   

Yet, we lose per­spec­tive like that when it’s our turn. A sim­ple shift, yes, but treat­ing your­self with the gen­tle­ness you’d offer a loved one can trans­form your rela­tion­ship with your­self. Self-com­pas­sion is bet­ter and far more capa­ble of extract­ing your best than self-crit­i­cism. 

When fac­ing dis­ap­point­ment, place your hand on your heart and say: “This is real­ly hard right now. Many peo­ple feel this way. How can I be kind to myself in this moment?”

 

Seek connection, not comparison

Social media makes it easy to mea­sure our­selves against care­ful­ly curat­ed high­lights of oth­ers’ lives. One mom I worked with felt “behind” because her busi­ness was­n’t grow­ing as quick­ly as her friend’s. 

What helped was­n’t work­ing hard­er but con­nect­ing authen­ti­cal­ly with oth­er entre­pre­neurs who shared both strug­gles and suc­cess­es.

Reach out to some­one you trust and share your real expe­ri­ence – not the pol­ished, IG-wor­thy ver­sion. Ask about their strug­gles, too. This vul­ner­a­ble exchange often reveals that most peo­ple feel inad­e­quate some­times.

Exchanges like that remind you that you are not a fail­ure. More than that, they cre­ate space for gen­uine con­nec­tion that breaks the iso­la­tion of per­ceived fail­ure.

 

Find meaning beyond achievement

When work or goals don’t ful­fill us, we need oth­er sources of mean­ing. A recent client fac­ing repeat­ed career set­backs found unex­pect­ed joy in vol­un­teer­ing at a com­mu­ni­ty gar­den. 

The con­nec­tion to oth­ers and con­tribut­ing to some­thing larg­er than him­self pro­vid­ed mean­ing that no pro­mo­tion ever had.

Reflect on when you’ve felt most alive or con­tent. These peak moments rarely come from adding anoth­er cre­den­tial to your LinkedIn pro­file or final­ly reach­ing six fig­ures. 

They’re the Sun­day after­noons when you for­get about time while paint­ing with your niece. The bel­ly laugh shared with friends around a camp­fire. That rush when your mediocre bowl­ing team final­ly clinched the neigh­bor­hood cham­pi­onship because you all stopped over­think­ing and just had fun. 

Work on mov­ing towards a moment like that out­side of work. Your life will feel a lot more mean­ing­ful. It’s noth­ing mag­i­cal; it’s just how we are wired.

Embrace the imperfect present

We often with­hold self-love until we reach some future state of accom­plish­ment. “I’ll be hap­py with myself when…” becomes a mov­ing tar­get that keeps self-accep­tance per­pet­u­al­ly out of reach.

Prac­tice say­ing: “In this moment, exact­ly as I am, I am enough.” It might feel uncom­fort­able or even false at first. That’s okay. Keep say­ing it any­way, espe­cial­ly when you don’t believe it.

Every morn­ing, name one thing you appre­ci­ate about your­self today—not the future improved ver­sion of you, but exact­ly who you are right now.

Appre­ci­at­ing life as it is now is, hands down, one of the most men­tal­ly reward­ing exer­cis­es. From the con­fines of your thoughts, it might look like your life is less than, but if you stepped out for a minute and looked at your life from an exter­nal future per­spec­tive, you’d prob­a­bly enjoy what you see. 

Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a com­e­dy in long-shot. We must learn to bring that com­e­dy per­spec­tive clos­er. 

 

Therapist Lehi

Look, the world’s already tough enough. You don’t need to be your own worst crit­ic. Life will pro­vide plen­ty of chal­lenges with­out you pil­ing on addi­tion­al judg­ment. 

Almost every­one points to them­selves when I ask clients who’s hard­est on them. We reserve our harsh­est stan­dards, most cut­ting remarks, and least for­giv­ing atti­tudes for the one per­son who needs our kind­ness most.

The truth is, you’re doing bet­ter than you think. And even when you’re not, you still deserve your own com­pas­sion. Because if we can’t offer our­selves grace when we fall short, we’re adding suf­fer­ing to suf­fer­ing.

What small act of gen­tle­ness can you offer your­self today? Not when you’ve achieved more or become “bet­ter” – but right now, exact­ly as you are?

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