Why do I think the way I do?

Anoth­er work gath­er­ing, anoth­er faux pas. You may have had the right inten­tions, but the words just came out wrong. Now, not only do you find your­self feel­ing embar­rass­ment, you also begin the famil­iar “why” thoughts: “Why does this keep hap­pen­ing?” “Why do I think the way I do?” “Is there some­thing wrong with me?”

The chal­lenge with “why” ques­tions is that they com­mon­ly have a mul­ti-fac­tor expla­na­tion, as there is rarely any­thing that is direct­ly causal, where X caus­es Y. Yet, our brains are dri­ven by want­i­ng answers so the same sit­u­a­tions, mis­takes, and unwant­ed con­se­quences don’t hap­pen again and again.

Regard­ing the ques­tion, “Why do I think the way I do?” there are a num­ber of fac­tors that influ­ence us across the lifes­pan which can affect how we think and behave. While not an exhaus­tive list, some of these fac­tors are list­ed below:

• How you were raised. I know, I know. Try as we may, we can­not escape the fact that we learned many things grow­ing up—from par­ents, grand­par­ents, teach­ers, coach­es, and oth­er adults in our lives. Many inter­ac­tions were like­ly healthy, and some inter­ac­tions were not. As chil­dren, we were like sponges—absorbing not only our envi­ron­ment, but also the inter­ac­tions of oth­ers around us—forming a tem­plate for behav­ior.

• Par­ent dis­ci­pline. How a par­ent dis­ci­plines their child can instill dif­fer­ent lessons about not only the attempt­ed les­son being taught, but also, how rela­tion­ships work, what is and is not okay, and what con­se­quences can come from behav­ior. Chil­dren, whether born bio­log­i­cal­ly, adopt­ed, or fos­tered, don’t come with a man­u­al, and nei­ther do par­ents receive one about how to par­ent. As a result, many par­ents and chil­dren do the best they can in the sit­u­a­tions they are in. They use the lessons they learned as a child, what they learned about the world grow­ing up, and even their adult­hood expe­ri­ences to inform their par­ent­ing style and beliefs about both the world and things in the world, such as finan­cial suc­cess, career pos­si­bil­i­ties, and goal attain­ment. Unfor­tu­nate­ly, how­ev­er, some par­ents have dif­fi­cult back­grounds that they grew up in, which also can inform par­ent­ing, whether unin­ten­tion­al­ly, such as react­ing out of anger or anoth­er emo­tion, or inten­tion­al­ly. In these sit­u­a­tions, some par­ents cross lines, lead­ing to abuse, neglect, and even exploita­tion of their chil­dren, which can have undue con­se­quences.

• Abuse, neglect, and exploita­tion. Every child deserves to live in a home free from abuse, neglect, and exploita­tion. When these lines are crossed, these expe­ri­ences can pro­found­ly affect a child, depend­ing on what oth­er risk and pro­tec­tive fac­tors are present in the child’s life, as risk fac­tors can exac­er­bate issues while pro­tec­tive fac­tors can mit­i­gate them. Across each of these cat­e­gories, chil­dren can expe­ri­ence neg­a­tive men­tal, phys­i­cal, and devel­op­men­tal capa­bil­i­ties lat­er in life.

• Abuse & Neglect. Chil­dren who have expe­ri­enced abuse and neglect may learn that the world is unsafe, that adults are not to be trust­ed, or that abuse is a nor­mal part of a rela­tion­ship. Chil­dren may also expe­ri­ence men­tal health issues such as detach­ment from rela­tion­ships, anx­i­ety, depres­sion, post-trau­mat­ic stress, social with­draw­al, and con­cen­tra­tion prob­lems. Chil­dren can also expe­ri­ence feel­ings of guilt or shame for advo­cat­ing for their needs, such as say­ing “no” or believ­ing that they are fun­da­men­tal­ly bad. Chil­dren who have expe­ri­enced neglect may also have unhealthy attach­ments to mate­r­i­al objects, or have faulty beliefs of there not being enough in their life. The sever­i­ty of the abuse or neglect can also affect the immuno­log­i­cal and devel­op­men­tal func­tion­ing of a child’s body, includ­ing appro­pri­ate respons­es to stress and exec­u­tive func­tion­ing capa­bil­i­ties.

• Sex­u­al exploita­tion. Chil­dren who have expe­ri­enced exploita­tion may learn unhealthy and inap­pro­pri­ate ways to seek and receive emo­tion­al and sex­u­al con­nec­tion with oth­ers. In addi­tion, chil­dren may also expe­ri­ence emo­tion­al out­bursts, inap­pro­pri­ate behav­ior, sex­u­al act­ing out on oth­er chil­dren or adults, depres­sion, avoid­ance of oth­ers, sleep chal­lenges, and a neg­a­tive view of their body.

Research has shown that chil­dren who have expe­ri­enced at least four or more events—also known as adverse child­hood expe­ri­ences, which encom­pass abuse, neglect, and house­hold function—have a greater like­li­hood of risky sex­u­al behav­iors, poor edu­ca­tion­al attain­ment, sub­stance use, poor job out­comes, and chron­ic health con­di­tions (i.e., COPD, lung can­cer, dia­betes, high blood pres­sure, etc.) lat­er in their adult life. They can also expe­ri­ence a greater like­li­hood of sui­ci­dal thoughts, depres­sion, and anx­i­ety.

• Social cir­cles. Not all learned expe­ri­ences come from child­hood or one’s upbring­ing. Rather, peer inter­ac­tions across the life span can affect why you think the way you do. You may learn about dif­fer­ent beliefs, per­spec­tives, and cop­ing strate­gies. You may also learn about what it takes to be accept­ed, even if these fac­tors go against your own beliefs and val­ues.

• Reli­gion. Many chil­dren grow up in house­holds that embrace reli­gion as a foun­da­tion and guide for how to nav­i­gate life. With­in each reli­gion, there are val­ues, prin­ci­ples, and sug­ges­tions for liv­ing which are also paired with reli­gious con­cepts such as sin and dis­tance from a high­er pow­er, whether it be God, Allah, the Uni­verse, or anoth­er title. Many reli­gions share ways that peo­ple can align their choic­es and will with their reli­gion and expe­ri­ence ben­e­fits, both present­ly and after death.

• Cul­ture. An individual’s cul­ture can also affect why they think the way they do. Whether these cul­tures are nation­al­ly based, region­al­ly based, or famil­ial based, ideas are shared that influ­ence how par­tic­i­pat­ing mem­bers believe, act, and think.

• Envi­ron­men­tal effects. Across the world, there are many unex­pect­ed changes and events. Some of these are nat­ur­al such as flood­ing, storms, dis­ease, earth­quakes, hur­ri­canes and so forth. Oth­er sit­u­a­tions may be ini­ti­at­ed by for­eign nations such as war, geno­cide, expul­sion, ter­ror­ism, depor­ta­tion, or forced migra­tion (i.e., refugees). An individual’s expo­sure and prox­im­i­ty (i.e., direct­ly expe­ri­enced, had fam­i­ly expe­ri­ence it, or heard about these expe­ri­ences) to these sit­u­a­tions can also affect how a per­son thinks, acts, and believes.

Not only are peo­ple com­plex, but so are their expe­ri­ences and the way they expe­ri­ence the world. While we may not be able to iden­ti­fy causal rela­tion­ships, the above list­ed fac­tors do pro­vide ideas of under­cur­rents for thoughts and behav­iors.

Individual counseling for marriage

Per­haps you’ve iden­ti­fied a prob­lem in your mar­riage or part­nered rela­tion­ship and believe that it can best be resolved by going to cou­ples ther­a­py. Cou­ples ther­a­py can be a great option for resolv­ing prob­lems in rela­tion­ships; how­ev­er, it only works when both part­ners are on board and ready to work. Else you’ll waste time, mon­ey, and efforts to make mar­gin­al progress.

So what can you do if your part­ner isn’t on board? Indi­vid­ual coun­sel­ing for mar­riage is an excel­lent alter­na­tive option. You do not need to feel restrict­ed to seek help even though your part­ner isn’t ready to com­mit yet. You can still ben­e­fit from indi­vid­ual coun­sel­ing for mar­riage.

What would this look like? Here are com­mon exam­ples of what indi­vid­u­als may seek ther­a­py for:

• Per­cep­tions and reac­tions to a partner’s com­ments
• Feel­ing anxious/depressed/angry/panic/betrayal about events or behav­iors in the mar­riage
• Look­ing for improved cop­ing strate­gies
• Want­i­ng a space to feel heard
• Expe­ri­enc­ing reminders/triggers from past rela­tion­ships that are neg­a­tive­ly affect­ing the cur­rent one
• Act­ing in ways that don’t align with their val­ues
• See­ing that a sit­u­a­tion or behav­ior is cre­at­ing unwant­ed rip­ples or con­se­quences in their work, social, per­son­al, or edu­ca­tion­al areas of their life

Therapist Weatherford TX

Per­haps you’ve noticed that your behav­iors or thoughts aren’t align­ing with your val­ues and it is start­ing to make an impact on your life, despite your best efforts to pre­vent it. You’ve tried the self help books, but they don’t seem to be work­ing – there must be some­thing else at play. There usu­al­ly is. Let’s work togeth­er to address what is going on. Send me a mes­sage through my con­tact form and I’ll reach out to you.

Con­tact Me Here