Why do I think the way I do?
Another work gathering, another faux pas. You may have had the right intentions, but the words just came out wrong. Now, not only do you find yourself feeling embarrassment, you also begin the familiar “why” thoughts: “Why does this keep happening?” “Why do I think the way I do?” “Is there something wrong with me?”
The challenge with “why” questions is that they commonly have a multi-factor explanation, as there is rarely anything that is directly causal, where X causes Y. Yet, our brains are driven by wanting answers so the same situations, mistakes, and unwanted consequences don’t happen again and again.
Regarding the question, “Why do I think the way I do?” there are a number of factors that influence us across the lifespan which can affect how we think and behave. While not an exhaustive list, some of these factors are listed below:
- How you were raised. I know, I know. Try as we may, we cannot escape the fact that we learned many things growing up—from parents, grandparents, teachers, coaches, and other adults in our lives. Many interactions were likely healthy, and some interactions were not. As children, we were like sponges—absorbing not only our environment, but also the interactions of others around us—forming a template for behavior.
- Parent discipline. How a parent disciplines their child can instill different lessons about not only the attempted lesson being taught, but also, how relationships work, what is and is not okay, and what consequences can come from behavior. Children, whether born biologically, adopted, or fostered, don’t come with a manual, and neither do parents receive one about how to parent. As a result, many parents and children do the best they can in the situations they are in. They use the lessons they learned as a child, what they learned about the world growing up, and even their adulthood experiences to inform their parenting style and beliefs about both the world and things in the world, such as financial success, career possibilities, and goal attainment. Unfortunately, however, some parents have difficult backgrounds that they grew up in, which also can inform parenting, whether unintentionally, such as reacting out of anger or another emotion, or intentionally. In these situations, some parents cross lines, leading to abuse, neglect, and even exploitation of their children, which can have undue consequences.
- Abuse, neglect, and exploitation. Every child deserves to live in a home free from abuse, neglect, and exploitation. When these lines are crossed, these experiences can profoundly affect a child, depending on what other risk and protective factors are present in the child’s life, as risk factors can exacerbate issues while protective factors can mitigate them. Across each of these categories, children can experience negative mental, physical, and developmental capabilities later in life.
- Abuse & Neglect. Children who have experienced abuse and neglect may learn that the world is unsafe, that adults are not to be trusted, or that abuse is a normal part of a relationship. Children may also experience mental health issues such as detachment from relationships, anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress, social withdrawal, and concentration problems. Children can also experience feelings of guilt or shame for advocating for their needs, such as saying “no” or believing that they are fundamentally bad. Children who have experienced neglect may also have unhealthy attachments to material objects, or have faulty beliefs of there not being enough in their life. The severity of the abuse or neglect can also affect the immunological and developmental functioning of a child’s body, including appropriate responses to stress and executive functioning capabilities.
- Sexual exploitation. Children who have experienced exploitation may learn unhealthy and inappropriate ways to seek and receive emotional and sexual connection with others. In addition, children may also experience emotional outbursts, inappropriate behavior, sexual acting out on other children or adults, depression, avoidance of others, sleep challenges, and a negative view of their body.
Research has shown that children who have experienced at least four or more events—also known as adverse childhood experiences, which encompass abuse, neglect, and household function—have a greater likelihood of risky sexual behaviors, poor educational attainment, substance use, poor job outcomes, and chronic health conditions (i.e., COPD, lung cancer, diabetes, high blood pressure, etc.) later in their adult life. They can also experience a greater likelihood of suicidal thoughts, depression, and anxiety.
- Social circles. Not all learned experiences come from childhood or one’s upbringing. Rather, peer interactions across the life span can affect why you think the way you do. You may learn about different beliefs, perspectives, and coping strategies. You may also learn about what it takes to be accepted, even if these factors go against your own beliefs and values.
- Religion. Many children grow up in households that embrace religion as a foundation and guide for how to navigate life. Within each religion, there are values, principles, and suggestions for living which are also paired with religious concepts such as sin and distance from a higher power, whether it be God, Allah, the Universe, or another title. Many religions share ways that people can align their choices and will with their religion and experience benefits, both presently and after death.
- Culture. An individual’s culture can also affect why they think the way they do. Whether these cultures are nationally based, regionally based, or familial based, ideas are shared that influence how participating members believe, act, and think.
- Environmental effects. Across the world, there are many unexpected changes and events. Some of these are natural such as flooding, storms, disease, earthquakes, hurricanes and so forth. Other situations may be initiated by foreign nations such as war, genocide, expulsion, terrorism, deportation, or forced migration (i.e., refugees). An individual’s exposure and proximity (i.e., directly experienced, had family experience it, or heard about these experiences) to these situations can also affect how a person thinks, acts, and believes.
Not only are people complex, but so are their experiences and the way they experience the world. While we may not be able to identify causal relationships, the above listed factors do provide ideas of undercurrents for thoughts and behaviors.
Individual counseling for marriage
Perhaps you’ve identified a problem in your marriage or partnered relationship and believe that it can best be resolved by going to couples therapy. Couples therapy can be a great option for resolving problems in relationships; however, it only works when both partners are on board and ready to work. Else you’ll waste time, money, and efforts to make marginal progress.
So what can you do if your partner isn’t on board? Individual counseling for marriage is an excellent alternative option. You do not need to feel restricted to seek help even though your partner isn’t ready to commit yet. You can still benefit from individual counseling for marriage.
What would this look like? Here are common examples of what individuals may seek therapy for:
- Perceptions and reactions to a partner’s comments
- Feeling anxious/depressed/angry/panic/betrayal about events or behaviors in the marriage
- Looking for improved coping strategies
- Wanting a space to feel heard
- Experiencing reminders/triggers from past relationships that are negatively affecting the current one
- Acting in ways that don’t align with their values
- Seeing that a situation or behavior is creating unwanted ripples or consequences in their work, social, personal, or educational areas of their life
Therapist Weatherford TX
Perhaps you’ve noticed that your behaviors or thoughts aren’t aligning with your values and it is starting to make an impact on your life, despite your best efforts to prevent it. You’ve tried the self help books, but they don’t seem to be working – there must be something else at play. There usually is. Let’s work together to address what is going on. Send me a message through my contact form and I’ll reach out to you.
