Psy­chol­o­gists nev­er miss an oppor­tu­ni­ty to edu­cate on the impor­tance of cre­at­ing a safe, healthy and sta­ble envi­ron­ment for chil­dren. There’s a rea­son for this. Child­hood expe­ri­ences shape us in ways we often don’t real­ize until much lat­er in life. Imag­ine that you’re in a lov­ing rela­tion­ship, yet you can’t shake the nag­ging fear that your part­ner might leave. Or per­haps you find your­self hold­ing on too tight­ly to friends and fam­i­ly, afraid they’ll slip away if you loosen your grip.

Sound famil­iar? Those feel­ings are typ­i­cal of a fear of aban­don­ment, a rela­tion­ship anx­i­ety type that has its roots in child­hood trau­ma. So, yes, there’s a con­nec­tion between child­hood trau­ma and the fear of aban­don­ment. To unrav­el the emo­tion­al puz­zle that caus­es the fear of aban­don­ment, we must first begin with under­stand­ing this con­nec­tion.

Child­hood trau­ma isn’t always as dra­mat­ic as we think. Sure, it can involve major events like phys­i­cal abuse or the loss of a par­ent. 25% of girls expe­ri­ence sex­u­al abuse as chil­dren. But it can also be sub­tler — like emo­tion­al neglect, con­stant crit­i­cism, or unpre­dictable par­ent­ing. Child­hood trau­ma can also sur­face if you live with a men­tal­ly ill par­ent. Any expe­ri­ence that over­whelms a child’s abil­i­ty to cope is child­hood trau­ma. It could be a one-time event or an ongo­ing sit­u­a­tion. What mat­ters is that it makes a child feel unsafe, scared, or alone.

Abandonment Trauma and Relationships

Where does the fear of aban­don­ment come from? It’s not just a fleet­ing feel­ing of sad­ness you get when some­one you care about leaves (that’s nor­mal) — it’s a deep-seat­ed, often over­whelm­ing fear that the peo­ple you care about will inevitably leave you.

What is called fear of aban­don­ment in adults often man­i­fests as sep­a­ra­tion anx­i­ety dis­or­der (SAD) in chil­dren, so they share many symp­toms. When you fear aban­don­ment, you become exces­sive­ly afraid or wor­ried about being sep­a­rat­ed from a close attach­ment fig­ure like a par­ent or a lover.

You may even have night­mares about sep­a­rat­ing.

Child­hood trau­ma explains where this aban­don­ment fear comes from. When we expe­ri­ence trau­ma as kids, espe­cial­ly if it involves being left alone, neglect­ed, or feel­ing unwant­ed, our devel­op­ing brains can hard­wire the belief that we’re not wor­thy of love or that peo­ple will always leave us.

Fast for­ward to adult­hood, and these beliefs can man­i­fest as a per­sis­tent fear of aban­don­ment.

Signs of fear of aban­don­ment

Some of the signs include:

• Con­stant wor­ry about your rela­tion­ships
• Dif­fi­cul­ty trust­ing oth­ers
• Ten­den­cy to become over­ly attached quick­ly
• Push-pull behav­ior in rela­tion­ships (draw­ing peo­ple close, then push­ing them away)
• Intense jeal­ousy or pos­ses­sive­ness

Attach­ment styles have a role to play too

Inse­cure attach­ment styles are not them­selves a type of child­hood trau­ma, but they are often a con­se­quence of trau­mat­ic expe­ri­ences dur­ing child­hood. As babies, we devel­op attach­ment styles based on our rela­tion­ships with our pri­ma­ry care­givers. When trau­ma dis­rupts this process, we might devel­op what’s called an anx­ious attach­ment style.

Anx­ious attach­ment is one of three inse­cure attach­ment styles, with the oth­er two being avoidant and anx­ious-avoidant.

Peo­ple with anx­ious attach­ment often:

• Crave close­ness and inti­ma­cy
• Feel inse­cure in rela­tion­ships
• Wor­ry exces­sive­ly about their part­ner’s feel­ings
• Seek con­stant reas­sur­ance
• Feel unwor­thy of love

If you’re see­ing sim­i­lar­i­ties between an anx­ious attach­ment style and fear of aban­don­ment, then you’re on to some­thing. Both con­cepts have a link that leads direct­ly to child­hood trau­ma. In a sen­tence, that link would look like this:

Women who have expe­ri­enced child­hood trau­ma are like­ly to devel­op an anx­ious attach­ment style, cre­at­ing the ide­al sit­u­a­tion for fear of aban­don­ment to con­tin­ue grow­ing.

It’s a lot to take in, I know. But if this describes you or any woman you know, there’s a path to heal­ing. Over­com­ing your fear of aban­don­ment is entire­ly pos­si­ble.

How to overcome the fear of abandonment

Some steps you can take:

• Under­stand where your fear comes from and acknowl­edge it
• Prac­tice self-com­pas­sion (you’re doing the best you can!)
• Learn about healthy bound­aries
• Be open and hon­est with your part­ner about what goes in your mind
• Explore ther­a­py options (more on this below)
• Prac­tice mind­ful­ness to stay ground­ed in the present
• Grad­u­al­ly chal­lenge your fears in safe rela­tion­ships

Virtual therapist Austin

If you’re in Austin and look­ing for sup­port, you’re in luck.

Our city has a wealth of resources for trau­ma sur­vivors and those deal­ing with attach­ment issues. From indi­vid­ual ther­a­pists spe­cial­iz­ing in trau­ma and attach­ment to sup­port groups like the Austin Men­tal Health Com­mu­ni­ty, help is avail­able.

Don’t hes­i­tate to reach out. Whether it’s to a ther­a­pist, a sup­port group, or a trust­ed friend, tak­ing that first step towards heal­ing is life-chang­ing

Your fears do not define you

What’s hap­pened dur­ing your child­hood is impor­tant but it doesn’t define you. Only the present ver­sion of you gets to decide what hap­pens next.

Every day, I see women in Austin and beyond break free from the cycles of their past and build health­i­er, hap­pi­er rela­tion­ships —  with oth­ers and with them­selves. You can do it too.

If you’d like pro­fes­sion­al advice on what to do to over­come your fear of aban­don­ment, sched­ule a free con­sul­ta­tion with me here.