How to Deal with Avoidant Attachment (Part 2/4)

You may have noticed that your part­ner isn’t too keen to dis­cuss dif­fi­cult top­ics in your rela­tion­ship, or in their actions. You may have also noticed that your part­ner tends to avoid sit­u­a­tions and dis­tance them­selves from emo­tion­al con­nec­tion. Your part­ner may have an avoidant attach­ment style. If this is the case, know­ing a few things about this type of attach­ment can be par­tic­u­lar­ly help­ful in your rela­tion­ship. You may have searched online “how to deal with avoidant attach­ment,” to find answers on what to do, but had lit­tle suc­cess. As not­ed in the pre­vi­ous arti­cle about avoidant attach­ment, heal­ing an avoidant attach­ment style is a mul­ti-pronged approach, requir­ing sig­nif­i­cant prac­tice and sup­port. Encour­ag­ing your part­ner to get this sup­port, as well as to find some pro­fes­sion­al sup­port for your­self, can help you as you nav­i­gate this rela­tion­ship.

How to Make an Avoidant Feel Safe

Here are some things to start doing and keep in mind as you seek to cre­ate safe­ty in your rela­tion­ship:

• Cre­ate safe­ty in the rela­tion­ship. One effec­tive approach to help­ing a part­ner feel secure is by empha­siz­ing con­sis­ten­cy and sta­bil­i­ty in the rela­tion­ship. This means demon­strat­ing your ded­i­ca­tion and depend­abil­i­ty through actions such as keep­ing your promis­es respect­ing their need for space and being emo­tion­al­ly present when they choose to share their feel­ings, these actions build trust (Wen­dołows­ka et al., 2022; Pas­cuz­zo et al., 2013).
  • Estab­lish rou­tines. Estab­lish­ing rou­tines and rit­u­als can play a role, in cre­at­ing pre­dictabil­i­ty and sta­bil­i­ty. These rou­tines don’t have to be elab­o­rate; sim­ple every day or week­ly activ­i­ties that you both enjoy togeth­er can estab­lish a sense of struc­ture that reduces uncer­tain­ty. Pre­dictabil­i­ty plays a role, in eas­ing the anx­i­ety that often aris­es from emo­tion­al demands, espe­cial­ly for indi­vid­u­als with an avoidant attach­ment style (Sarkar and Vigraanth Bapu, 2024).
  • Set­ting and main­tain­ing clear bound­aries. Bound­aries are help­ful because they can cre­ate clar­i­ty about expec­ta­tions around respect­ing needs around per­son­al space. Defined bound­aries cre­ate a num­ber of dif­fer­ent ben­e­fits includ­ing:
    • Assure safe­ty and respect for the oth­er par­ty in the inter­ac­tion, which can sig­nif­i­cant­ly reduce the ten­den­cy to with­draw or iso­late, com­mon behav­iors observed in those with avoidant attach­ment styles.
    • Reduc­ing strain or dis­com­fort in per­son­al rela­tion­ships (Har­ring­ton, 2011)
    • Rec­og­niz­ing and respect­ing these bound­aries also sup­ports bet­ter rela­tion­ship sat­is­fac­tion and sta­bil­i­ty, when bound­aries are main­tained.
  • Con­verse in a neu­tral envi­ron­ment. Choose to have the con­ver­sa­tion in a neu­tral space, such as in the liv­ing room, at a park, on a walk, or some­where that doesn’t have mean­ing attached to it, such as the bed­room, the tv room, or the kitchen.
    • Open Com­mu­ni­ca­tion. Estab­lish­ing com­mu­ni­ca­tion is cru­cial, it is also vital to con­front and reduce the ten­den­cy to avoid cer­tain sub­jects, which often acts as a cop­ing mech­a­nism, for those who strug­gle with emo­tion­al inti­ma­cy or vul­ner­a­bil­i­ty. Oth­er ben­e­fits include:
      • Oppor­tu­ni­ties to val­i­date feel­ings and thoughts
      • Rein­force­ment of being hon­est and open
      • Oppor­tu­ni­ties for can­did dis­cus­sions
      • Devel­op trust and safe­ty in a rela­tion­ship (Mikulin­cer & Shaver, 2012)
      • Devel­op pos­i­tive per­cep­tions of self and oth­ers (Mikulin­cer & Shaver, 2012)
      • Main­tain­ing com­mu­ni­ca­tion is cru­cial in this con­text. Ini­ti­at­ing con­ver­sa­tions about emo­tions, con­cerns and expec­ta­tions can help bridge the gap that avoidant indi­vid­u­als tend to uphold. It is essen­tial to han­dle these dis­cus­sions with patience and empa­thy cre­at­ing an under­stand­ing envi­ron­ment that encour­ages vul­ner­a­ble inter­ac­tions. This approach not aids in com­pre­hend­ing the per­spec­tive of the part­ner but also helps address any mis­un­der­stand­ings or appre­hen­sions they might have regard­ing emo­tion­al close­ness (Pas­cuz­zo et al., 2013).

How to Deal with an Avoidant Partner

Here are some things to start doing and keep in mind as you nav­i­gate your rela­tion­ship:

• • Remem­ber to chan­nel empa­thy and patience. Your part­ner may see con­ver­sa­tions as threats to the rela­tion­ship, where con­se­quences include rejec­tion, pain, or loss. They may take a while to get to what they are try­ing to say, as they “test out the waters” of the con­ver­sa­tion. Pres­sur­ing your part­ner to “open up” will like­ly cre­ate feel­ings where they choose to retreat or with­draw from the con­ver­sa­tion. For those with an avoidant attach­ment style, fac­ing crit­i­cism, judge­ment, or pres­sure can inten­si­fy their incli­na­tion to with­draw from oppor­tu­ni­ties for close­ness, as it trig­gers their con­cerns about rely­ing on oth­ers and show­ing vul­ner­a­bil­i­ty (Bras­sard et al., 2007; Wen­dołows­ka et al., 2022). There­fore, it’s cru­cial to cul­ti­vate an envi­ron­ment in the rela­tion­ship that pri­or­i­tizes empa­thy, accep­tance, and under­stand­ing.
  • Piv­ot your thoughts. Think of your partner’s behav­iors or deci­sions as a cop­ing skill that has kept them safe and pro­tect­ed. Even though that cop­ing skill isn’t work­ing now, piv­ot­ing your thoughts may increase com­pas­sion you have for your part­ner.
  • Use “I” state­ments. These state­ments are tai­lored towards express your feel­ings and needs with­out blam­ing or plac­ing pres­sure on the oth­er per­son.
    • For exam­ple, “I feel dis­con­nect­ed from you when we don’t do our night­ly check-ins about how our days were.” Com­pare this to a com­plaint like, “You nev­er talk to me at night.”
  • Seek pro­fes­sion­al help for the rela­tion­ship. Seek­ing sup­port such as cou­ples ther­a­py can also be ben­e­fi­cial. Ther­a­py offers an impar­tial space where both part­ners can delve into attach­ment issues under the guid­ance of a trained expert. This can improve the dynam­ics of the rela­tion­ship by pro­vid­ing strate­gies to tack­le the chal­lenges posed by avoidant attach­ment styles nur­tur­ing a stronger and more con­nect­ed bond (Bras­sard et al., 2007; Wen­dołows­ka et al., 2022).
  • Seek pro­fes­sion­al help for your­self. If you are expe­ri­enc­ing dis­tress or ongo­ing chal­lenges in nav­i­gat­ing con­ver­sa­tions such as these, seek­ing out assis­tance from a ther­a­pist or coun­selor can be extreme­ly help­ful. Not only will it give you a space to debrief and decom­press, but it can also pro­vide you with addi­tion­al sup­port and per­spec­tive about the rela­tion­ship. Indi­vid­ual or cou­ples ther­a­py can pro­vide a struc­tured and neu­tral envi­ron­ment to explore attach­ment issues and improve the rela­tion­ship dynam­ic (Bag­dasarov et al., 2019; Wen­dołows­ka et al., 2022)

You don’t have to nav­i­gate this rela­tion­ship alone. There is help. Send me a mes­sage below or book an con­sul­ta­tion appoint­ment in the top right cor­ner of the page above to get start­ed on find­ing sup­port. 

Let’s talk about what is going on

References

Bagdasarov, Z., Connelly, S. and Johnson, J. F., 2019. Denial and empathy: Partners in employee trust repair? Frontiers in psychology [online], 10, 19. Available from: https://www.frontiersin.org/article/10.3389/fpsyg.2019.00019/full.

Brassard, A., Shaver, P. R., & Lussier, Y. (2007). Attachment, sexual experience, and sexual pressure in romantic relationships: A dyadic approach. Personal Relationships, 14(3), 475–493. doi:10.1111/j.1475–6811.2007.00166.x

Pascuzzo, K., Cyr, C., & Moss, E. (2013). Longitudinal association between adolescent attachment, adult romantic attachment, and emotion regulation strategies. Attachment & Human Development, 15(1), 83–103. doi:10.1080/14616734.2013.745713

Sarkar, A., & Vigraanth Bapu K. G. (2024). Adult Attachment Styles and Conflict Resolution Strategies Among Romantic Relationships. International Journal for Research in Applied Science and Engineering Technology. doi:10.22214/ijraset.2024.60135

Wendołowska, A., Czyżowska, N., & Czyżowska, D. (2022). The role of attachment and dyadic coping in shaping relational intimacy: Actor-partner interdependence model. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 19(23), 16211. doi:10.3390/ijerph192316211