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How to Deal with Avoidant Attachment (Part 2/4)

how to deal with avoidant attachment

You may have noticed that your partner isn’t too keen to discuss difficult topics in your relationship, or in their actions. You may have also noticed that your partner tends to avoid situations and distance themselves from emotional connection. Your partner may have an avoidant attachment style. If this is the case, knowing a few things about this type of attachment can be particularly helpful in your relationship. You may have searched online “how to deal with avoidant attachment,” to find answers on what to do, but had little success. As noted in the previous article about avoidant attachment, healing an avoidant attachment style is a multi-pronged approach, requiring significant practice and support. Encouraging your partner to get this support, as well as to find some professional support for yourself, can help you as you navigate this relationship.

How to Make an Avoidant Feel Safe

Here are some things to start doing and keep in mind as you seek to create safety in your relationship:

  • Create safety in the relationship. One effective approach to helping a partner feel secure is by emphasizing consistency and stability in the relationship. This means demonstrating your dedication and dependability through actions such as keeping your promises respecting their need for space and being emotionally present when they choose to share their feelings, these actions build trust (Wendołowska et al., 2022; Pascuzzo et al., 2013).
    • Establish routines. Establishing routines and rituals can play a role, in creating predictability and stability. These routines don’t have to be elaborate; simple every day or weekly activities that you both enjoy together can establish a sense of structure that reduces uncertainty. Predictability plays a role, in easing the anxiety that often arises from emotional demands, especially for individuals with an avoidant attachment style (Sarkar and Vigraanth Bapu, 2024).
    • Setting and maintaining clear boundaries. Boundaries are helpful because they can create clarity about expectations around respecting needs around personal space. Defined boundaries create a number of different benefits including:
      • Assure safety and respect for the other party in the interaction, which can significantly reduce the tendency to withdraw or isolate, common behaviors observed in those with avoidant attachment styles.
      • Reducing strain or discomfort in personal relationships (Harrington, 2011)
      • Recognizing and respecting these boundaries also supports better relationship satisfaction and stability, when boundaries are maintained.
    • Converse in a neutral environment. Choose to have the conversation in a neutral space, such as in the living room, at a park, on a walk, or somewhere that doesn’t have meaning attached to it, such as the bedroom, the tv room, or the kitchen.
      • Open Communication. Establishing communication is crucial, it is also vital to confront and reduce the tendency to avoid certain subjects, which often acts as a coping mechanism, for those who struggle with emotional intimacy or vulnerability. Other benefits include:
        • Opportunities to validate feelings and thoughts
        • Reinforcement of being honest and open
        • Opportunities for candid discussions
        • Develop trust and safety in a relationship (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2012)
        • Develop positive perceptions of self and others (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2012)
        • Maintaining communication is crucial in this context. Initiating conversations about emotions, concerns and expectations can help bridge the gap that avoidant individuals tend to uphold. It is essential to handle these discussions with patience and empathy creating an understanding environment that encourages vulnerable interactions. This approach not aids in comprehending the perspective of the partner but also helps address any misunderstandings or apprehensions they might have regarding emotional closeness (Pascuzzo et al., 2013).

How to Deal with an Avoidant Partner

Here are some things to start doing and keep in mind as you navigate your relationship:

    • Remember to channel empathy and patience. Your partner may see conversations as threats to the relationship, where consequences include rejection, pain, or loss. They may take a while to get to what they are trying to say, as they “test out the waters” of the conversation. Pressuring your partner to “open up” will likely create feelings where they choose to retreat or withdraw from the conversation. For those with an avoidant attachment style, facing criticism, judgement, or pressure can intensify their inclination to withdraw from opportunities for closeness, as it triggers their concerns about relying on others and showing vulnerability (Brassard et al., 2007; Wendołowska et al., 2022). Therefore, it’s crucial to cultivate an environment in the relationship that prioritizes empathy, acceptance, and understanding.
    • Pivot your thoughts. Think of your partner’s behaviors or decisions as a coping skill that has kept them safe and protected. Even though that coping skill isn’t working now, pivoting your thoughts may increase compassion you have for your partner.
    • Use “I” statements. These statements are tailored towards express your feelings and needs without blaming or placing pressure on the other person.
      • For example, “I feel disconnected from you when we don’t do our nightly check-ins about how our days were.” Compare this to a complaint like, “You never talk to me at night.”
    • Seek professional help for the relationship. Seeking support such as couples therapy can also be beneficial. Therapy offers an impartial space where both partners can delve into attachment issues under the guidance of a trained expert. This can improve the dynamics of the relationship by providing strategies to tackle the challenges posed by avoidant attachment styles nurturing a stronger and more connected bond (Brassard et al., 2007; Wendołowska et al., 2022).
    • Seek professional help for yourself. If you are experiencing distress or ongoing challenges in navigating conversations such as these, seeking out assistance from a therapist or counselor can be extremely helpful. Not only will it give you a space to debrief and decompress, but it can also provide you with additional support and perspective about the relationship. Individual or couples therapy can provide a structured and neutral environment to explore attachment issues and improve the relationship dynamic (Bagdasarov et al., 2019; Wendołowska et al., 2022)

You don’t have to navigate this relationship alone. There is help. Send me a message below or book an consultation appointment in the top right corner of the page above to get started on finding support. 

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References
Bagdasarov, Z., Connelly, S. and Johnson, J. F., 2019. Denial and empathy: Partners in employee trust repair? Frontiers in psychology [online], 10, 19. Available from: https://www.frontiersin.org/article/10.3389/fpsyg.2019.00019/full.
Brassard, A., Shaver, P. R., & Lussier, Y. (2007). Attachment, sexual experience, and sexual pressure in romantic relationships: A dyadic approach. Personal Relationships14(3), 475–493. doi:10.1111/j.1475-6811.2007.00166.x
Pascuzzo, K., Cyr, C., & Moss, E. (2013). Longitudinal association between adolescent attachment, adult romantic attachment, and emotion regulation strategies. Attachment & Human Development15(1), 83–103. doi:10.1080/14616734.2013.745713
Sarkar, A., & Vigraanth Bapu K. G. (2024). Adult Attachment Styles and Conflict Resolution Strategies Among Romantic Relationships. International Journal for Research in Applied Science and Engineering Technology. doi:10.22214/ijraset.2024.60135
Wendołowska, A., Czyżowska, N., & Czyżowska, D. (2022). The role of attachment and dyadic coping in shaping relational intimacy: Actor-partner interdependence model. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health19(23), 16211. doi:10.3390/ijerph192316211

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