Attachment theory, a concept formulated by psychologist John Bowlby delves into how early relationships, with caregivers shape an individual’s relational growth. One of these attachment styles is called avoidant attachment. People with this type of attachment tend to keep their distance and retreat from intimate connections. If you’re someone who identifies with this pattern in your relationships, keep reading for strategies for ways to improve not only your attachment, but also your relationships with others.
You’ve probably noticed that you aren’t satisfied in your relationships. You may have received the feedback that you are too emotionally distant. You may have an avoidant attachment style. Having an avoidant attachment style generally means that you are experiencing resistance to creating emotional ties and may not feel comfortable with intimacy with others.
Healing from the avoidant attachment demands a multi-pronged approach that focuses on the development of self-awareness, therapeutic interventions, and training in emotional skills. The whole process of healing starts with being self-aware (Simpson 1990).
Self-awareness can give someone the ability to notice when he or she feels compelled to withdraw from an emotional connection with other persons, a behavior that may arise from past experiences that may have taught them to suppress their needs and emotions to avoid rejection or conflict (Simpson 1990).
Individual, personalized therapy offers an environment for people to address their concerns and examine how they impact their relationships with others. Personalized therapy sessions focus on understanding the intricacies of behavior leading to an insight and customized approaches, for personal growth (O’Connor et al., 2019). Personalized therapy is helpful because it creates a relationship built on trust and active collaboration between you and your therapist—on your terms.
Group therapy is another way that you can develop insights as well as learn from others—such as how they share similar struggles and different ways they cope, adjust, or recover (Miller et al., 2015).
Participation in mindfulness and emotional intelligence training. Mindfulness-Based Interventions (MBSR) have been shown to reduce stress and enhance emotional regulation (West et al., 2022). Researchers have found that people with avoidant attachment and high emotional intelligence may experience reduced loneliness and isolation which then aids in improving relationship dynamics such as relating to others (Borawski et al., 2022; Wang et al., 2022). This strategy works in two ways:
- First, it helps you to remain present and aware of your emotions without judgment, gradually reducing the automatic withdrawal response, which is typical of avoidant attachment.
- Second, you receive education and resources in building emotional intelligence to recognize, understand, and then manage your emotions.
How to Stop Being Avoidant
Improving your avoidant attachment can feel like a daunting process. Having a network of support can be extremely helpful to you as you work on improving your attachment style. Here are some strategies to remember:
- This is a marathon, not a spring. The process of being emotionally available is not a one-time instant process, it happens gradually.
- Ongoing and persistent self-work effort; this would include taking time for periodic self-reflection and journaling can help you to monitor the changes that occur and make them concrete, by documenting them.
- Discomfort will be a constant companion. A huge part of this entails recognizing and accepting the full range of your feelings, even when doing so may feel daunting or uncomfortable at first. Studies indicate that avoiding emotions might not change how we feel inside.
- Change is possible. You can alter how we express these feelings through practice (Lerner et al., 2015). For example, you can identify and challenge negative thinking patterns. Leaning into emotions can help you to create different habits, reducing the natural tendency to pull away from emotions that tell you to distance, run, or avoid.
- Remember your values. Perhaps you identified that this is a barrier to your relationships and you want to improve those relationships. Perhaps you want ot be closer to your romantic partner. Remembering your reason for starting can help you in the uncomfortable times.
- Maintaining self-discipline. Research suggests that self-discipline is essential, for adhering to societal standards and controlling behaviors that could hinder individual and interpersonal progress (DeBono et al., 2010). Behavioral activation, a technique used in forms of therapy involves engaging in fulfilling activities to counteract the tendency towards withdrawal and passivity often associated with avoidance behaviors (Sudak et al., 2014). By reintegrating and consistently practicing these activities, you can improve.
If you feel like you’re struggling, your therapist isn’t the best fit, your strategies aren’t working, or your support system isn’t what you’d like it to be, reach out for therapy to come work with me. I’d be happy to learn about your situation and share the ways that I can help.
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Conclusion
In short, the road to recovery from an avoidant attachment style will require a blend of self-awareness, therapeutic intervention, and practical strategies tailor-made to help build healthier relationships. For individuals with an avoidant attachment style, the focus rests on 1) increasing emotional openness, 2) learning to engage more deeply with others through consistent self-work, 3) improved communication, and 4) committing to work with a professional.
By committing to professional help, you can move towards more secure attachments, characterized by a) enhanced self-esteem, b) greater independence, and c) the capacity to engage in fulfilling and mutually supportive relationships. Understanding and changing your relationship patterns can help you to further improve your well-being and more fully enjoy the quality of relationships, by creating deeper connections. Transformation awaits.
