What is the Difference Between Guilt and Shame? 

Two of the most profound emotions we feel—guilt and shame—are widely known but rarely understood. Contrary to popular untested theories on psychology, they are not the same even though we can feel them simultaneously. Guilt and shame may be compared to two tangled wires. Interwoven, but with two distinct colors. While both may leave you feeling inadequate, understanding the uniqueness and differences of these two emotions is crucial for your mental well-being.

Like a flickering neon sign, guilt tells us when a specific action is wrong — and that’s not always bad. Shame, on the other hand, casts a heavy shadow over one’s existence, forcing the narrative that a person is fundamentally flawed. Considering the bag of negative responses these emotions provoke, like disgust, regret, and self-consciousness, it’s easy to see why their impact on your mental health is immense. For example, persistent feelings of guilt or shame may lead to depression, among other nasty things.

In this post, we’ll explore unique traits of guilt and shame, their impact on mental health, and simple strategies for navigating these complex emotions. Bumpy ride ahead, but it’ll be worth it.

Guilt, and its two sides

Guilt is the mind’s way of accepting responsibility for a negative act. When you violate your moral code, the dominant emotional response you feel is guilt. For example, if you believe lying to your partner is terrible, yet you do so, you will feel guilty because you have broken your moral code of honesty. People have described the feeling of guilt as an ‘awareness of having acted in a manner that hurts another person, among other things.’

With guilt, it’s essential to know that there are different types.

• Deontological guilt — results from breaking personal values
• Altruistic guilt — arises from causing harm to others
• Existential guilt — feeling responsible for not living up to your expectations and purpose

Despite the cloak of negativity that guilt is shrouded in, there are times when guilt inspires positive action. And that’s where the difference between healthy and unhealthy guilt lies. Healthy guilt is rational, appropriate, and heavily linked to your conscience. Experiencing healthy guilt indicates empathy and a sense of responsibility — both very good things. On the dark side, unhealthy guilt comes from falsely believing you’ve done something wrong even when you haven’t. You feel responsible for other people’s emotions even when you have no fault.

A common expression of unhealthy guilt, for instance, is accepting blame for being mistreated. Victims of abuse may fall into this category, blaming themselves for their abuse and assuming that they somehow caused the harm inflicted upon them.

Guilt, as an emotion to hold you accountable, is good. It can prompt you to apologize, alert you to mistakes, and help you make better decisions. But guilt, as an emotion characterized by a misplaced sense of responsibility, is bad. Really bad.

Unhealthy guilt can lead to anxiety, depression, and severely diminished self-worth. People with unhealthy guilt (or guilt complex) may feel inadequate. There’s a constant need to do more, be more. Yet, no matter how much gets done, it’s never enough. What’s worse, unhealthy guilt, if left to rot, can transform into a much bigger monster — shame.

Cause to feel shame

Unlike guilt, which centers on a specific behavior, shame focuses on character. Shame attacks your entire sense of self. While guilt says, “I did a bad thing and that’s wrong,” shame says, “I am a bad person. My existence is all wrong.” These thoughts may even progress to heavily thoughts such as “I don’t deserve love” or “I’ll never be good enough.” Childhood experiences and societal norms often inform us what we’re ashamed about. For example, a child repeatedly scolded for performing poorly in schoolwork may develop shame, causing a complete withdrawal from academic challenges. In that child’s mind, there’s a belief that academic excellence will never be part of her story. But that’s far from the truth, isn’t it?

Just because you feel ashamed about something does not mean you are worthless. There is no fundamental flaw in you. You’re just as perfect as everyone else and remain worthy of love and equal privileges.

If it isn’t apparent already, internalized shame can snuff out any form of happiness in your life. The belief of being unworthy can fuel feelings of hopelessness and a lack of motivation — both core elements of depression. One powerful effect of shame on your mental health is that it increases the chances of forming an addiction. Many psychologists agree that shame and addiction can, on their own, create a vicious, demoralizing circle. People with an addiction feel shame, and people with shame are more likely to develop an addiction problem. Because shame is such an overwhelming emotion, it can force a person (as this study shows) to resort to substance abuse and other unhealthy habits — anything to avoid that feeling of worthlessness and failure.

How to deal with guilt and shame

Dealing with guilt

Identify negative acts as mistakes because they are simply missteps that can be fixed and then try to fix them so you can feel better.

Acknowledge the action, not the core self. Ask yourself, “What can I do to learn and improve?” Focus on amends or solutions. Forgive yourself and practice self-compassion.

Dealing with shame

Identify the trigger and challenge negative self-beliefs. Remind yourself, “This mistake doesn’t define me.”  Seek support from a trusted friend or therapist.

Separate your negative acts from yourself. Every mistake only serves to remind you that you’re fundamentally flawed. What follows is avoidance, where you run away from the problem and accept that you lack any real control over yourself.

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By understanding the difference between guilt and shame and how both can have adverse and, on rare occasions, positive impacts on mental health, you’re teaching yourself to manage these emotions better. If you’re still having trouble navigating shame and guilt, whether in your relationships or on your own  whether you live in Richmond, Houston, or Logan, schedule a consultation and let’s get you to feeling better. 

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Word of advice:

You are worth it and have nothing to be ashamed of.