What is the Difference Between Guilt and Shame? 

Two of the most pro­found emo­tions we feel—guilt and shame—are wide­ly known but rarely under­stood. Con­trary to pop­u­lar untest­ed the­o­ries on psy­chol­o­gy, they are not the same even though we can feel them simul­ta­ne­ous­ly. Guilt and shame may be com­pared to two tan­gled wires. Inter­wo­ven, but with two dis­tinct col­ors. While both may leave you feel­ing inad­e­quate, under­stand­ing the unique­ness and dif­fer­ences of these two emo­tions is cru­cial for your men­tal well-being.

Like a flick­er­ing neon sign, guilt tells us when a spe­cif­ic action is wrong — and that’s not always bad. Shame, on the oth­er hand, casts a heavy shad­ow over one’s exis­tence, forc­ing the nar­ra­tive that a per­son is fun­da­men­tal­ly flawed. Con­sid­er­ing the bag of neg­a­tive respons­es these emo­tions pro­voke, like dis­gust, regret, and self-con­scious­ness, it’s easy to see why their impact on your men­tal health is immense. For exam­ple, per­sis­tent feel­ings of guilt or shame may lead to depres­sion, among oth­er nasty things.

In this post, we’ll explore unique traits of guilt and shame, their impact on men­tal health, and sim­ple strate­gies for nav­i­gat­ing these com­plex emo­tions. Bumpy ride ahead, but it’ll be worth it.

Guilt, and its two sides

Guilt is the mind’s way of accept­ing respon­si­bil­i­ty for a neg­a­tive act. When you vio­late your moral code, the dom­i­nant emo­tion­al response you feel is guilt. For exam­ple, if you believe lying to your part­ner is ter­ri­ble, yet you do so, you will feel guilty because you have bro­ken your moral code of hon­esty. Peo­ple have described the feel­ing of guilt as an ‘aware­ness of hav­ing act­ed in a man­ner that hurts anoth­er per­son, among oth­er things.’

With guilt, it’s essen­tial to know that there are dif­fer­ent types.

• Deon­to­log­i­cal guilt — results from break­ing per­son­al val­ues
• Altru­is­tic guilt — aris­es from caus­ing harm to oth­ers
• Exis­ten­tial guilt — feel­ing respon­si­ble for not liv­ing up to your expec­ta­tions and pur­pose

Despite the cloak of neg­a­tiv­i­ty that guilt is shroud­ed in, there are times when guilt inspires pos­i­tive action. And that’s where the dif­fer­ence between healthy and unhealthy guilt lies. Healthy guilt is ratio­nal, appro­pri­ate, and heav­i­ly linked to your con­science. Expe­ri­enc­ing healthy guilt indi­cates empa­thy and a sense of respon­si­bil­i­ty — both very good things. On the dark side, unhealthy guilt comes from false­ly believ­ing you’ve done some­thing wrong even when you haven’t. You feel respon­si­ble for oth­er peo­ple’s emo­tions even when you have no fault.

A com­mon expres­sion of unhealthy guilt, for instance, is accept­ing blame for being mis­treat­ed. Vic­tims of abuse may fall into this cat­e­go­ry, blam­ing them­selves for their abuse and assum­ing that they some­how caused the harm inflict­ed upon them.

Guilt, as an emo­tion to hold you account­able, is good. It can prompt you to apol­o­gize, alert you to mis­takes, and help you make bet­ter deci­sions. But guilt, as an emo­tion char­ac­ter­ized by a mis­placed sense of respon­si­bil­i­ty, is bad. Real­ly bad.

Unhealthy guilt can lead to anx­i­ety, depres­sion, and severe­ly dimin­ished self-worth. Peo­ple with unhealthy guilt (or guilt com­plex) may feel inad­e­quate. There’s a con­stant need to do more, be more. Yet, no mat­ter how much gets done, it’s nev­er enough. What’s worse, unhealthy guilt, if left to rot, can trans­form into a much big­ger mon­ster — shame.

Cause to feel shame

Unlike guilt, which cen­ters on a spe­cif­ic behav­ior, shame focus­es on char­ac­ter. Shame attacks your entire sense of self. While guilt says, “I did a bad thing and that’s wrong,” shame says, “I am a bad per­son. My exis­tence is all wrong.” These thoughts may even progress to heav­i­ly thoughts such as “I don’t deserve love” or “I’ll nev­er be good enough.” Child­hood expe­ri­ences and soci­etal norms often inform us what we’re ashamed about. For exam­ple, a child repeat­ed­ly scold­ed for per­form­ing poor­ly in school­work may devel­op shame, caus­ing a com­plete with­draw­al from aca­d­e­m­ic chal­lenges. In that child’s mind, there’s a belief that aca­d­e­m­ic excel­lence will nev­er be part of her sto­ry. But that’s far from the truth, isn’t it?

Just because you feel ashamed about some­thing does not mean you are worth­less. There is no fun­da­men­tal flaw in you. You’re just as per­fect as every­one else and remain wor­thy of love and equal priv­i­leges.

If it isn’t appar­ent already, inter­nal­ized shame can snuff out any form of hap­pi­ness in your life. The belief of being unwor­thy can fuel feel­ings of hope­less­ness and a lack of moti­va­tion — both core ele­ments of depres­sion. One pow­er­ful effect of shame on your men­tal health is that it increas­es the chances of form­ing an addic­tion. Many psy­chol­o­gists agree that shame and addic­tion can, on their own, cre­ate a vicious, demor­al­iz­ing cir­cle. Peo­ple with an addic­tion feel shame, and peo­ple with shame are more like­ly to devel­op an addic­tion prob­lem. Because shame is such an over­whelm­ing emo­tion, it can force a per­son (as this study shows) to resort to sub­stance abuse and oth­er unhealthy habits — any­thing to avoid that feel­ing of worth­less­ness and fail­ure.

How to deal with guilt and shame

Dealing with guilt

Iden­ti­fy neg­a­tive acts as mis­takes because they are sim­ply mis­steps that can be fixed and then try to fix them so you can feel bet­ter.

Acknowl­edge the action, not the core self. Ask your­self, “What can I do to learn and improve?” Focus on amends or solu­tions. For­give your­self and prac­tice self-com­pas­sion.

Dealing with shame

Iden­ti­fy the trig­ger and chal­lenge neg­a­tive self-beliefs. Remind your­self, “This mis­take does­n’t define me.”  Seek sup­port from a trust­ed friend or ther­a­pist.

Sep­a­rate your neg­a­tive acts from your­self. Every mis­take only serves to remind you that you’re fun­da­men­tal­ly flawed. What fol­lows is avoid­ance, where you run away from the prob­lem and accept that you lack any real con­trol over your­self.

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By under­stand­ing the dif­fer­ence between guilt and shame and how both can have adverse and, on rare occa­sions, pos­i­tive impacts on men­tal health, you’re teach­ing your­self to man­age these emo­tions bet­ter. If you’re still hav­ing trou­ble nav­i­gat­ing shame and guilt, whether in your rela­tion­ships or on your own  whether you live in Rich­mond, Hous­ton, or Logan, sched­ule a con­sul­ta­tion and let’s get you to feel­ing bet­ter. 

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Word of advice:

You are worth it and have noth­ing to be ashamed of.