Intrusive Thoughts Affecting Relationship
Cognitive distortions are negative thought patterns that distort reality and fuel conflicts. These distortions can also be lumped into the category of intrusive thoughts.
It’s hardly the Hollywood experience, but thoughts create words and words have an uncanny ability to describe stuff vividly.
Consider the following example conversation of what a relationship punctuated by cognitive distortions, or intrusive thoughts, looks like. It’s a chat between Emily and Jake, a couple from Dallas.
Emily and her husband, Jake, had just arrived home after a long day. Emily starts preparing dinner while Jake relaxes on the couch, watching the highlights of last night’s Mavericks game.
Emily: “Hey, Jake, can you help me chop these vegetables?”
Jake: (still looking at his phone) “In a minute. I’m almost done with this article.”
Emily: (feeling frustrated) “You always say that. You never help when I need you.”
Jake: (sighing) “That’s not true. I help all the time.”
Emily: “Really? When? Because I feel like I’m doing everything.”
Jake: (getting defensive) “You’re overreacting. I said I’ll help. Just give me a second.”
Emily: (voice rising) “I shouldn’t have to ask every single time! If you really cared, you’d help without me having to remind you.”
The tension is palpable. You can almost touch it through your device’s screen. Both Emily and Jake retreat into silence — but the resentment lingers.
The Aftermath
In the above situation, Jake and Emily are letting their negative thoughts swirl and mix so violently it’s creating that friction that we always feel when a big disagreement is brewing.
Emily feels frustrated and unheard, while Jake feels attacked and misunderstood. Whether anyone definitively attacks the other is beside the point.
Cognitive distortions are fact-agnostic. They only care about poisoning our minds and touching us off to hurt ourselves and those who love us.
Different Types of Cognitive Distortions
Emotional Reasoning and Always Needing to Be Right
Emily’s statement, “You never help when I need you,” reflects emotional reasoning. She feels overwhelmed and assumes her emotions are the ultimate truth.
Her frustration leads her to believe that Jake never helps, even if that’s inaccurate. This distortion prevents her from recognizing when Jake does help, like when he rescheduled a long-awaited hangout with his old high school friends at the Inwood Tavern to help Emily’s band out of a fix.
Jake’s response, “You’re overreacting,” is an example of always needing to be right. He believes his perception is correct and invalidates Emily’s feelings. This need to prove himself right turns the conversation into a debate. Now, it’s not about understanding; it’s about winning.
In any case, these two distortions can quickly spiral out of control, leaving partners feeling unheard and disrespected.
Fallacy of Change and Black-and-White Thinking
Emily wants Jake to change—to help without being asked. This is where the fallacy of change comes in. She believes that if Jake changes, she’ll feel more appreciated. However, her focus on him changing is like tunnel vision, and she overlooks the importance of expressing her needs clearly.
Jake, on the other hand, is stuck in black-and-white thinking. He sees things as either all good or all bad. To him, Emily’s statement about his lack of support feels like a personal attack, which leads him to dismiss her concerns entirely.
That thinking can make compromise difficult because it doesn’t allow room for a middle ground.
Heaven’s Reward Fallacy and Labeling
Emily might believe that her hard work around the house deserves automatic recognition. This ties into heaven’s reward fallacy—a deep-rooted, loud belief that our hard work should be recognized and rewarded accordingly.
When Jake doesn’t offer help without being asked, she feels unappreciated and resentful, thinking her efforts go unnoticed. While it’s great to want to be rewarded for hard work, it’s also important to remember that the world won’t always meet these expectations. It’s not a slight on your abilities; it’s just a reminder that everyone else is engulfed in their own story.
Jake, meanwhile, might label Emily as “nagging” based on this one incident, an example of labeling. Instead of recognizing her frustration, he assigns a negative label to her behavior, making it harder for him to respond empathetically.
Thanks to these distortions, Emily and Jake are not addressing the real issues here: communication and shared responsibilities. Much simpler than personality jabs, yes?
Fallacy of Fairness and Overgeneralization
Emily may think, “It’s only fair that Jake should help without being asked,” a classic example of the fallacy of fairness. She assumes that fairness means Jake should intuitively know when to help. That’s how unrealistic expectations hatch.
Jake might engage in overgeneralization by thinking, “Emily always blows things out of proportion,” based on this single interaction. This mindset blinds the mind, preventing Jake from seeing the situation clearly and understanding that Emily needs support, not an argument.
Defying Intrusive Thoughts
- Partners should share their feelings directly, stating what they need without assuming the other knows.
- Acknowledge each other’s emotions to show care and understanding.
- Identify and question distorted thinking patterns during conflicts. Ask yourself these questions. Write it down if it helps.
- Focus on listening attentively without planning responses while the other speaks.
- Seek support together. Couples therapy can help you navigate challenges and strengthen the bond with your partner.
Cognitive behavioral therapy Austin
If intrusive thoughts are affecting your partnership, friendships, or relationships, book a 15-minute (free) consultation with me.
