Desiring excellence all the time feels like such a positive trait — only, it isn’t. Learn about the dangers of perfectionism and how to manage it. Wanting to be flawless and without mistakes can be a portal to the happiness-draining world of perfectionism. Not only that, but it commonly brings on thoughts of “I’m not worthy” or “we’re not not worthy.” A world known best for the continuous feelings of anxiety, self-doubt, and unworthiness that it brings. As a licensed marriage and family therapist, I’ve seen countless individuals struggle with the weight of their expectations. At work, someone might worry, “If I make a mistake, my colleagues will shame me.” This fear leads them to approach every task—big, small, or trivial—with as much gusto and patience as a human bomb detonator in a high-stakes situation. As you can imagine, channeling that much energy into something unattainable like perfection can be draining.
In this article we’ll discuss:
- How perfectionism, anxiety, and self-esteem are interconnected
- Why being “perfect” might be costing you more than you realize
- The connection between perfectionism and unworthiness
The Anxious Perfectionist
Perfectionism and anxiety are two peas in a pod — both causes and symptoms of each other. Although not the only thing that causes anxiety, perfectionism is undoubtedly a major cause of it. Since perfectionism involves maintaining unreal standards, the pursuit of it becomes never-ending. A perfectionist, like a track runner on steroids, would chase after impossible standards, get tired, and yet be unable to stop. Anxiety is happens when the runner inevitably gets tired.
Anxiety will generally come with thoughts of worry and extreme stress and harmful physical effects like increased heart rate and blood pressure. Research already supports the theory that perfectionism causes anxiety. One research featuring approx. 400 students found that concerns over “ mistakes, personal standards, parental expectations, parental criticism, doubts about actions” correlated to increased anxiety sensitivity levels.
Why does perfectionism cause anxiety
It’s simple:
Every task becomes a high-stakes game when we believe that our worth is tied to our performance. The fear of not measuring up creates a constant state of anxiety, turning even simple tasks into sources of stress. Anxiety can also cause perfectionism (two peas in a pod, seriously). People with anxiety tend to have perfectionist traits, perhaps as a way to assure themselves that if the world sees them as perfect, they will be accepted and will have nothing to worry about. That’s also not healthy. Failure isn’t something to dread but rather to embrace. Those who love you will continue to do so regardless of your imperfections. Therapy (especially EMDR) really does have a way of breaking you off the perfectionism-anxiety cycle — helping you face your fears in digestible bits, set more realistic goals, and learn better coping strategies.
How perfectionism chips away at your confidence
You might think striving for excellence would boost your confidence, but the opposite is often true. Pursuing perfection and never achieving it is a real hammer to self-esteem. The perfectionist bases their self-worth on achievements, accolades, and the approval of others. This, in turn, creates a rollercoaster of emotions that is impossible to deal with in a healthy way. The perfectionist will feel elated when they meet a high target — but it never lasts. Because there’s a need to keep being excellent every time, the goalposts gets shifted often. No amount of success feels genuinely sufficient.
When perfectionists fall short of these impossibly high standards, they feel like complete failures. Consider the case of Sarah, a high-achieving executive who despite her numerous accomplishments constantly felt like a fraud. “I’m just waiting for everyone to realize I’m not as good as they think I am,” she once confided to her therapist. The scenario tells the story of how perfectionism can negatively impact self-esteem. Even the most successful individuals will feel unworthy if they are perfectionists. This all-or-nothing thinking leaves no room for the normal ebbs and flows of life, where failure should be seen as an opportunity for growth, not self-criticism.
Perfectionists often struggle with:
- Negative self-talk and harsh self-criticism
- Difficulty accepting compliments or recognizing their own achievements
- Comparing themselves unfavorably to others
- Imposter syndrome [opportunity for internal link]
Perfectionism & Unworthiness
Perhaps the most insidious effect of perfectionism is how it creates a deep-seated feeling of unworthiness.
How it generally plays out:
- You set impossibly high standards for yourself
- You mistakenly compare yourself to these high standards
- You inevitably fall short of these standards (because they’re impossible!)
- You interpret this “failure” as proof of your unworthiness
- You try even harder to be perfect, perpetuating the cycle
This cycle is exhausting and demoralizing. It’s like being on a hamster wheel of self-improvement, never feeling good enough to step off and just be.
Local therapists for anxiety
Perfection is impossible to attain, and that’s always important to remember. No one who loves you expects it of you, and you shouldn’t expect it of yourself, either. Instead, strive for self-improvement. When you fail or make mistakes, speak to yourself compassionately, as you would to a friend going through the same. If you practice self-compassion, you will see significant improvements in your ability.
If the feelings of anxiety have become too much to bear, come speak with me. Therapy can help you learn the origins of your perfectionist traits. You can also learn, through therapy, to be the best version of yourself without sacrificing everyone and everything else.
