What is Betrayal Trauma and How Can You Heal From It?

Betray­al trau­ma occurs when some­one you depend on devi­ates from your expec­ta­tions of them in a hurt­ful way

One of the most dif­fi­cult trau­mas one can expe­ri­ence is betray­al. This occurs when emo­tion­al dis­tress and pain hap­pen after trust is vio­lat­ed by a loved one, insti­tu­tion, or inti­mate part­ner. In many cas­es, it occurs con­cur­rent­ly with gaslight­ing. It can also lead to those suf­fer­ing from the trau­ma also strug­gling with depres­sion and anx­i­ety. In this arti­cle, we will review the four types of betray­al trau­ma, betray­al trau­ma the­o­ry, and how to heal from this dif­fi­cult expe­ri­ence.

Types of betray­al wounds in betray­al trau­ma

Betray­al wounds occur when some­one you depend on devi­ates from your expec­ta­tions of them in a hurt­ful way. This com­mon­ly results in a breach in a rela­tion­ship con­tract, whether spo­ken or unspo­ken. Four of the main types of betray­al trau­ma include betray­al wounds such as inti­mate part­ner, insti­tu­tion­al, inter­per­son­al, and parental trau­ma.

Intimate partner

This can occur if your part­ner or spouse is hav­ing, or has had a phys­i­cal or emo­tion­al affair, if your part­ner has a sex­u­al addic­tion, or if your part­ner views pornog­ra­phy.

Institutional

If an insti­tu­tion neg­a­tive­ly impacts you due to its actions, includ­ing its mot­tos and goals, which are in con­tra­dic­tion to its por­tray­al. This could include health­care sys­tems, the mil­i­tary, jobs, edu­ca­tion­al insti­tu­tions, etc.

Interpersonal

This hap­pens when a trust­ed peer, friend, or fam­i­ly mem­ber (oth­er than a par­ent) betrays your trust. For exam­ple, if you tell a friend a secret or some­thing you weren’t ready to share, they go and tell oth­ers before you have a chance.

Parental

This hap­pens when your par­ent betrays your trust. This usu­al­ly hap­pens when a par­ent or guardian fails to pro­tect you from harm or is the abuser.

Healing from betrayal trauma

When try­ing to cope, some­times sur­vivors of a trau­ma will block out harm­ful or painful infor­ma­tion to focus on their basic sur­vival and attach­ment needs. This may mean jus­ti­fi­ca­tion of the person’s actions, self-blame, or oth­er inef­fec­tive strate­gies.

For­tu­nate­ly, there are ways to heal from betray­al trau­ma. While talk­ing to a ther­a­pist may be best for some, the options below can be a great tool or used in addi­tion to talk­ing to a pro­fes­sion­al.

Share your story

Some­times, talk­ing things out does more good than you may real­ize. Be vul­ner­a­ble and talk to a trust­ed source, such as a fam­i­ly mem­ber or friend, about your expe­ri­ences. This can help mag­ni­fy the heal­ing process and set you up for suc­cess. Jour­nal­ing can be a great resource if you’re not ready to talk about your expe­ri­ence. This is a great way to help release emo­tions and pro­vide per­spec­tive and clar­i­ty.

Some peo­ple may expe­ri­ence moments of cri­sis fol­low­ing a betray­al. Con­tact­ing your local cri­sis line, using the text cri­sis line (i.e., Text HOME to 741741), or call­ing the nation­al hot­line 9–8‑8 are all excel­lent ways to seek help if you are in cri­sis. If you are expe­ri­enc­ing thoughts of sui­cide or have a plan to act, vis­it your local hos­pi­tal or emer­gency room.

Take care of yourself

When you take care of your phys­i­cal health, you can cre­ate a foun­da­tion for a healthy mind. It also helps affirm that you’re worth mak­ing the effort for. Exam­ples include eat­ing well-bal­anced meals, drink­ing plen­ty of water, get­ting ade­quate sleep, and exer­cis­ing such as run­ning, bik­ing, swim­ming, or walk­ing. You can also invite a friend to par­tic­i­pate with you for extra sup­port. You can also talk with your part­ner and set bound­aries with them, either to rein­force or reestab­lish the rela­tion­ship con­tract.

Do things you enjoy

In addi­tion to tak­ing care of your­self phys­i­cal­ly, it’s impor­tant to prac­tice self-care. While self-care for some may include pam­per­ing your­self, such as get­ting a mas­sage or get­ting your nails done, self-care can also include orga­niz­ing your space or clean­ing. You can also prac­tice reflex­ol­o­gy or vis­it a chi­ro­prac­tor. Many find that this helps not only in the moment but also improves long-term men­tal and phys­i­cal health.

Try calming exercises

Activ­i­ties and mind­ful exer­cis­es, includ­ing yoga, pilates, tai chi, or mar­tial arts, can help deep­en the con­nec­tion with the body and calm the ner­vous sys­tem. This can help aid in over­all relax­ation and be a great add-on to oth­er heal­ing meth­ods.

Betrayal Trauma Therapy Near Me

You’ve tried these strate­gies, and yet you still feel bro­ken. You wish that time could be revert­ed and you could go back to how things were, before the betray­al, before the trau­ma. Now every­thing feels tak­en away—the trust, your dreams, and your hopes. You’re with­draw­ing from time with friends, co-work­ers, and fam­i­ly. Per­haps you’ve had thoughts like, “If they tru­ly knew what was going on, what would they think of me?” “Maybe its just bet­ter for me to hold this.”

But that hasn’t worked either. Come to ther­a­py, where you can feel heard, under­stood, and safe. Come and share your chal­lenges, fears, and hurts. Come for change.

If you or some­one you know is strug­gling with betray­al trau­ma, trau­ma ther­a­py with Dr. Brad­ford Stuc­ki, Licensed Mar­riage and Fam­i­ly Ther­a­pist can help. Come work with me.