Control Fallacies
Watching a symphony conductor at work is enticing:
Fingers delicately adjust the violin’s volume with the slightest gesture. One raised eyebrow cues the timpani’s entrance. Two white-gloved hands sculpt the pace and emotion of each phrase.
Every subtle movement shapes the orchestra’s interpretation. Written notes transform into living, breathing and melodic music.
Within their domain, a conductor’s control is nearly absolute.
I always imagined life to be uniquely challenging for conductors. Surely, after a bit of resistance, they must have learned that controlling an orchestra is different from controlling the world around them. People are different from music notes.
Conductors are not the only ones who adore control. On a much deeper level, many people have the illusion that they are responsible for everything and everyone, so they try to control everything and everyone one of them.
This is the internal control fallacy—the persistent belief that we can or should control outcomes far beyond our influence. This fallacy doesn’t teach us responsibility; it forces us to assume responsibility for things that were never ours to control.
Internal Control Fallacy
Internal control fallacy explains the belief that a person completely controls what happens to and around them.
When someone is happy, the internal control fallacy makes you think you’re responsible for it. When someone is sad, the fallacy stays true to its nature and also makes you think you’re responsible for it.
What makes this different from healthy responsibility is its forced and false nature. It is forced because you assume responsibility that isn’t yours, and it’s false because it’s never realistic for a human being to be wholly responsible for the pain or happiness of another.
Examples of Internal Control Fallacy
The fallacy shows up in subtle, everyday ways:
- Apologizing for rain during an event you planned
- Losing sleep over a colleague’s poor performance
- Feeling responsible when someone misinterprets your clear message
- Taking the blame for your adult children’s financial struggles
- Trying to manage everyone’s emotions during family get-togethers
Why We Try To Control Everything
Quite interestingly, many who live the reality of internal control fallacy don’t love the experience. It’s exhausting and frustrating to play a symphony conductor in every setting.
So why do we even feel this way? Like with any human concept, the answer is a combination of factors, including:
- Past experiences where control helped us cope
- An avoidance of particular emotions
- Cultural messages about “taking charge” of our lives
- The uncomfortable reality that much of life is uncertain
- A genuine desire to help others
- The false belief that worry equals responsibility
Control like that is impossible to achieve, which is why it is a fallacy. Something Merriam-Webster describes as ‘reasoning that comes to a conclusion without the evidence to support it.’
You may think that self-attributing this level of responsibility makes you happy or at least makes those around you happy. But it doesn’t work that way. This mindset creates serious, real-life problems like:
- Exhaustion from constant vigilance
- Strained relationships from overstepping boundaries
- Delayed decisions from fear of imperfect outcomes
- Unnecessary stress over others’ choices
- Time wasted on uncontrollable situations
How to Responsibly Lose Some Control
If it’s not healthy or helpful, you’d feel better letting it go—the same applies to internal control distortion.
To let go of this distorted thought pattern, take these basic steps:
Notice the Pattern
Pay attention to when you’re taking responsibility for things outside your control.
Check Your Role
Ask, “What part of this is actually mine to manage?”
Set Clear Limits
Decide what you’ll handle and what you’ll let others manage.
Accept Uncertainty
Some situations will be messy, regardless of your efforts.
Seek Professional Support
Speaking with a licensed, expert therapist can help significantly. You can learn to:
- Draw clear boundaries between what you control, what you influence and what’s beyond you
- Practice perspective shifts seamlessly
- Embrace shared responsibility. ‘We’re all in this together’ is more than a catchphrase.
Signs You’re Making Progress
- When you can witness others’ struggles without immediately intervening
- When unexpected changes trigger planning rather than self-blame
- When you find peace in knowing you did your best, regardless of outcomes
- When you appreciate the autonomy of others rather than feeling threatened by it
Provo therapy
It’s hard to see anything else when you’ve lived all your life learning one way to cope. In time, you’ll discover that your precious mental energy is more efficiently used when you take on less responsibility for others and more for yourself.
