Control Fallacies

Watch­ing a sym­pho­ny con­duc­tor at work is entic­ing:

Fin­gers del­i­cate­ly adjust the vio­lin’s vol­ume with the slight­est ges­ture. One raised eye­brow cues the tim­pani’s entrance.  Two white-gloved hands sculpt the pace and emo­tion of each phrase.

Every sub­tle move­ment shapes the orches­tra’s inter­pre­ta­tion. Writ­ten notes trans­form into liv­ing, breath­ing and melod­ic music.

With­in their domain, a con­duc­tor’s con­trol is near­ly absolute.

I always imag­ined life to be unique­ly chal­leng­ing for con­duc­tors. Sure­ly, after a bit of resis­tance, they must have learned that con­trol­ling an orches­tra is dif­fer­ent from con­trol­ling the world around them. Peo­ple are dif­fer­ent from music notes.

Con­duc­tors are not the only ones who adore con­trol. On a much deep­er lev­el, many peo­ple have the illu­sion that they are respon­si­ble for every­thing and every­one, so they try to con­trol every­thing and every­one one of them.

This is the inter­nal con­trol fallacy—the per­sis­tent belief that we can or should con­trol out­comes far beyond our influ­ence. This fal­la­cy doesn’t teach us respon­si­bil­i­ty; it forces us to assume respon­si­bil­i­ty for things that were nev­er ours to con­trol.

Internal Control Fallacy

Inter­nal con­trol fal­la­cy explains the belief that a per­son com­plete­ly con­trols what hap­pens to and around them.

When some­one is hap­py, the inter­nal con­trol fal­la­cy makes you think you’re respon­si­ble for it. When some­one is sad, the fal­la­cy stays true to its nature and also makes you think you’re respon­si­ble for it.

What makes this dif­fer­ent from healthy respon­si­bil­i­ty is its forced and false nature. It is forced because you assume respon­si­bil­i­ty that isn’t yours, and it’s false because it’s nev­er real­is­tic for a human being to be whol­ly respon­si­ble for the pain or hap­pi­ness of anoth­er.

Examples of Internal Control Fallacy

The fal­la­cy shows up in sub­tle, every­day ways:

• Apol­o­giz­ing for rain dur­ing an event you planned
• Los­ing sleep over a col­league’s poor per­for­mance
• Feel­ing respon­si­ble when some­one mis­in­ter­prets your clear mes­sage
• Tak­ing the blame for your adult chil­dren’s finan­cial strug­gles
• Try­ing to man­age every­one’s emo­tions dur­ing fam­i­ly get-togeth­ers

 

Why We Try To Control Everything

Quite inter­est­ing­ly, many who live the real­i­ty of inter­nal con­trol fal­la­cy don’t love the expe­ri­ence. It’s exhaust­ing and frus­trat­ing to play a sym­pho­ny con­duc­tor in every set­ting.

So why do we even feel this way? Like with any human con­cept, the answer is a com­bi­na­tion of fac­tors, includ­ing:

• Past expe­ri­ences where con­trol helped us cope
• An avoid­ance of par­tic­u­lar emo­tions
• Cul­tur­al mes­sages about “tak­ing charge” of our lives
• The uncom­fort­able real­i­ty that much of life is uncer­tain
• A gen­uine desire to help oth­ers
• The false belief that wor­ry equals respon­si­bil­i­ty

 

Con­trol like that is impos­si­ble to achieve, which is why it is a fal­la­cy. Some­thing Mer­ri­am-Web­ster describes as ‘rea­son­ing that comes to a con­clu­sion with­out the evi­dence to sup­port it.’

You may think that self-attribut­ing this lev­el of respon­si­bil­i­ty makes you hap­py or at least makes those around you hap­py. But it doesn’t work that way. This mind­set cre­ates seri­ous, real-life prob­lems like:

• Exhaus­tion from con­stant vig­i­lance
• Strained rela­tion­ships from over­step­ping bound­aries
• Delayed deci­sions from fear of imper­fect out­comes
• Unnec­es­sary stress over oth­ers’ choic­es
• Time wast­ed on uncon­trol­lable sit­u­a­tions

 

How to Responsibly Lose Some Control

If it’s not healthy or help­ful, you’d feel bet­ter let­ting it go—the same applies to inter­nal con­trol dis­tor­tion.

To let go of this dis­tort­ed thought pat­tern, take these basic steps:

Notice the Pat­tern

Pay atten­tion to when you’re tak­ing respon­si­bil­i­ty for things out­side your con­trol.

Check Your Role

Ask, “What part of this is actu­al­ly mine to man­age?”

Set Clear Lim­its

Decide what you’ll han­dle and what you’ll let oth­ers man­age.

Accept Uncer­tain­ty

Some sit­u­a­tions will be messy, regard­less of your efforts.

Seek Professional Support

Speak­ing with a licensed, expert ther­a­pist can help sig­nif­i­cant­ly. You can learn to:

• Draw clear bound­aries between what you con­trol, what you influ­ence and what’s beyond you
• Prac­tice per­spec­tive shifts seam­less­ly
• Embrace shared respon­si­bil­i­ty. ‘We’re all in this togeth­er’ is more than a catch­phrase.

Signs You’re Making Progress

• When you can wit­ness oth­ers’ strug­gles with­out imme­di­ate­ly inter­ven­ing
• When unex­pect­ed changes trig­ger plan­ning rather than self-blame
• When you find peace in know­ing you did your best, regard­less of out­comes
• When you appre­ci­ate the auton­o­my of oth­ers rather than feel­ing threat­ened by it

Provo therapy

It’s hard to see any­thing else when you’ve lived all your life learn­ing one way to cope. In time, you’ll dis­cov­er that your pre­cious men­tal ener­gy is more effi­cient­ly used when you take on less respon­si­bil­i­ty for oth­ers and more for your­self.

Let’s Talk About What is Going On