Imposter syndrome in relationships

Imposter syn­drome isn’t just for peo­ple in pro­fes­sion­al posi­tions. Unfor­tu­nate­ly, it can show up in oth­er areas of your life too: Imposter syn­drome in rela­tion­ships, imposter syn­drome when alone, or even when you’re hav­ing fun. Don’t believe me? Ever expe­ri­ence that thought of “You’re not good at this, stop try­ing” or “How are you ever going to impress him/her/them? No chance.” Talk about a fun-suck­er. 

No mat­ter your rela­tion­ship sta­tus – in, out, or in between – imposter syn­drome will show up. Imposter syn­drome is tricky that way – it doesn’t want to let you go and can be a jeal­ous lover. After all, before this per­son came alone, it was “me myself and imposter syn­drome.”  For­tu­nate­ly, there are ways to both nav­i­gate its effects and over­come it. In this arti­cle, you’ll learn about:

• How imposter syn­drome shows up in rela­tion­ships
• Strate­gies to beat imposter syn­drome
• Where to find ther­a­py for imposter syn­drome

Me Myself and Imposter Syndrome

Me Myself and Imposter Syn­drome is what imposter syn­drome wants you to believe. That there’s no way out. That you’re stuck. And worse yet, you’re going to be found out while you’re stuck. Imposter syn­drome appears in rela­tion­ships quite often. Here are some exam­ples of how imposter syn­drome may show up in your rela­tion­ships, roman­tic or oth­er­wise: 

• “I don’t deserve this per­son­’s love/affection. They deserve so much bet­ter”
• “If they real­ly knew me, they would­n’t want to be with me.” Devalu­ing your­self but putting your part­ner on a pedestal.
• “I need to be per­fect all the time or they’ll leave me.”
• Feel­ing unwor­thy of your part­ner’s affec­tion or sup­port.
• Dif­fi­cul­ty accept­ing com­pli­ments or praise from your loved ones.
• Con­stant­ly seek­ing reas­sur­ance about your place in the rela­tion­ship.
• Over­com­pen­sat­ing by try­ing to be the “per­fect” part­ner, friend, or fam­i­ly mem­ber.
• Feel­ing like you’re deceiv­ing your part­ner by pre­sent­ing a “false” ver­sion of your­self.
• Hes­i­tat­ing to share your true thoughts or feel­ings for fear of rejec­tion.

Con­trary to these thoughts, you are a per­son that deserves love and it is okay to make mis­takes. Unfor­tu­nate­ly, peo­ple have neg­a­tive expe­ri­ences dur­ing their life that rein­force the above beliefs, thoughts, and fears. This may have hap­pened in child­hood, or as an adult. Regard­less of when, there is hope when imposter syn­drome comes knock­ing.

How to beat imposter syndrome

If you rec­og­nize these thoughts and feel­ings in your­self, here are some strate­gies to help over­come imposter syn­drome:

Acknowledge your feelings

Rec­og­nize that imposter syn­drome, though a com­mon expe­ri­ence, does­n’t reflect real­i­ty.

Stop negative self-talk

When you catch your­self think­ing “I’m a fraud,” pause and ask, “Is there evi­dence to sup­port this thought?” Send that thought to court and put it on tri­al. 

Spoil­er alert: There’s rarely ever sup­port­ing evi­dence. You are not a fraud.

Keep a “wins” jar/journal

Doc­u­ment your accom­plish­ments, pos­i­tive feed­back, and successes—no mat­ter how small— and refer back to it when doubt creeps in.

To do the jar bit, you can write a win on a small paper, roll it over and throw it into a jar. When in doubt, dip your hand in the jar and ran­dom­ly pick any paper. Read it and remind your­self that you’ve been doing great stuff for a while. You’re not a one-hit won­der.

Have a growth mindset

View mis­takes as chances to grow rather than proof of incom­pe­tence. Doc­u­ment your suc­cess­es and keep them in a vis­i­ble place. Write down what it took to get there. Was it cre­ativ­i­ty? Com­pas­sion? Inter­est in the oth­er per­son? While you may not know all the answers, writ­ing down some pos­si­bil­i­ties can help you feel empow­ered for the next rela­tion­ship oppor­tu­ni­ty. 

Practice self-compassion

This is a tricky one with imposter syn­drome, par­tic­u­lar­ly because you’re spend­ing most of your time guilt-trip­ping your­self or under­min­ing your­self. Cel­e­brat­ing the sim­ple wins can help you to begin to ward off these neg­a­tive state­ments. Some­thing as sim­ple as “I smiled at them/him/her” or “I had a brief con­ver­sa­tion” can help. Small things count. Small things, often count too. 

Provo therapist

Hap­py Val­ley isn’t always as hap­py as you may think. In fact, so many peo­ple are hard on them­selves and self-crit­i­cal. All is not lost, how­ev­er. Over­com­ing imposter syn­drome takes time and con­sis­ten­cy. After all, you’re learn­ing a new way to think!

Be patient with your­self as you work through these feel­ings. Be atten­tive enough to rec­og­nize expres­sions of imposter syn­drome in per­son­al con­texts. This will help you address your doubts head-on.

Feel­ing like an imposter doesn’t mean you are one. Your achieve­ments are real, your skills are valu­able, and you deserve the suc­cess and love you’ve earned.

Still hav­ing trou­ble? Sched­ule a con­sul­ta­tion and let’s talk about what is going on. It’s time to get you to feel­ing bet­ter and more con­fi­dent!

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