Should I Get a Divorce?
There’s something curiously universal about the moment marriages reach a premature conclusion. While every relationship is unique, the path to divorce often follows a painfully familiar pattern:
One partner (let’s assume you) lies awake at 3 AM, staring at the ceiling, with that familiar heaviness in the chest.
The person sleeping next to you feels like a stranger. Maybe worse—someone who knows how to hurt you, make you feel less. Every conversation feels like walking through a minefield. One wrong word and everything explodes. Again.
You remember how it used to be. The easy laughter. The gentle touches. Now, you find yourself taking the long way home, anything to avoid another evening of tension. Your kids sense something is wrong and may even develop behavior challenges because of it. Yet, in your quietest moments, you tell yourself that you can not live like this anymore.
Divorce feels less like a last resort and more like the only path to peace—a way to breathe again. The thought, when you finally accept it, is both terrifying and liberating.
As a marriage and family therapist, I’ve seen countless couples at this crossroads.
Sometimes, divorce is necessary—in cases of abuse, addiction, or irreparable betrayal.
But sometimes what feels like the end might be the beginning of something deeper and more authentic. Not because marriage should be preserved at all costs but because the pain pushing you toward divorce might be pointing toward unexpected growth.
In this article, we’ll explore:
- Why you should second-guess divorce
- What other options to consider
- How to know if your relationship can be functional again
Your marriage deserves this careful consideration—and so do you.
Poor Communication Skills
As with most things, objectively questioning a life-changing decision leads to better choices—whether to stay together or part ways. As noted above, spousal or child abuse, addiction, or betrayal are often reasons why people divorce, often for physical or emotional safety reasons.
However, in other situations, such as disconnection, going down different roads, such as a change in religion, spirituality, or satisfaction in the relationship does not necessarily mean divorce is the answer. As humans, it is normal to want to escape discomfort, inconvenience, or distress. Each of these can regularly show up in a relationship. Yet, it is important for couples to carefully consider whether their relationship is irreparable, or whether there is a chance at change.
That feeling of not being heard? Long silences? Short responses? The pattern of shutting down during conflicts? The tendency to prioritize work over the relationship? These patterns don’t end with signing divorce papers. They become templates for future relationships. For example, how might poor communication within the marriage transpire to a coparenting relationship or custody arrangement?
Take an example. A woman was convinced her marriage was beyond saving because her husband “never understood her emotional needs.” A year after her divorce, she found herself in a new relationship, facing the same frustration, and that it had also extended to her social relationships. For someone like this, individual therapy can be a powerful tool to identify specific ways for how one partner can improve their contributions to the relationship, such as learning to clearly express needs or feelings.
The problem isn’t only about the other person–it is a pattern she can learn to address within herself. As the adage goes, “It takes two to dance.” This doesn’t mean, however, that you should stay in an unhappy marriage. Rather, it is to invite you to experiment with what could still work with your partner, instead of getting out right away. The urgency to act without consideration can create or exacerbate anxiety as well as polarized thinking–also known as black and white thinking. For example, thinking that divorce will provide that “reset” that you think you need, isn’t as black and white as you think. It’s much more complicated than that.
Before you second guess the relationship, question whether divorce really is the correct route, or whether its just perceived to be the “easier” one. The grass isn’t always greener on the other side.
Exploring Your Options
Before deciding on divorce, it’s important to pause and reflect. It’s not about delaying the inevitable; only about making sure your next step, whatever it may be, comes from a place of clarity rather than crisis.
It’s not uncommon in many would-be divorce cases that clarity of thought is sometimes enough to preserve the relationship. Quite often enough, people learn to see beyond the big-amber-red-divorce-button.
Consider the following example: a couple comes in, exhausted that they just can’t communicate. They sit at opposite sides of the couch and find the wall decor to be particularly interesting. What couples therapy can provide is an opportunity for a couple to go deeper than what is on the surface–and it’s often informed by lessons learned through childhood and past relationships–and often years of the same pattern in their current relationship. Couples can learn about unidentified losses, betrayals, or insecurities, and address those in both individual and couples therapy. Couples can also learn how to drop the resentment and bitterness and take a stance of curiosity and compassion towards their partner. In short, couples therapy can be a powerful catalyst to change.
Early intervention is the best kind of intervention when things get rocky in the relationship. Unfortunately, many couples come to couples therapy to check the box as required by the court, or as a last-ditch effort. The challenge with this situation is the generally low level of buy-in from both partners, or one partner wanting change more than the other partner. For couples therapy to work, both partners need to be invested and committed in their relationship and in couples therapy for change to occur. This looks like practicing strategies or skills between sessions, following through with commitments, identifying both successes and challenges, as well as experimenting with different communication strategies. One hour of 338 hours (hours in two weeks, a common frequency for couples therapy) will not suffice nor create long term change.
A worsening marriage or partnership is often about two people struggling with personal battles and failing to communicate them to each other and offer the needed support. As such, individual counseling combined with couples counseling is often recommended for best results. There you can unpack and understand your story, reprocess difficult experiences and create a new chapter. Then in couples therapy, you can evaluate your marriage’s story and areas for growth. There’s often a good chance that there’s hope.
Tools for Hope and Change
Couples therapy as well as individual therapy can help you navigate the question of “Should I divorce?” While working up to these therapy types, alternative things you can do to navigate this difficult question include the following:
-Pay attention to the small things your partner does
-Shift your mindset to focus on the positives your partner is doing
-Make small emotional investments in your relationship
-Reflect on the days of dating and resurrect some of those choices and gestures
-Share good things with your partner to create connection
Remember, however—and this is crucial—there are situations where the healthiest choice is to end the marriage. If you’re experiencing abuse, dealing with active addiction, or facing repeated infidelity without genuine remorse, the question may need to shift from “Should I try to save this?” to “How do I safely exit?”
Couples Counseling Dallas TX
Whatever path you choose—reconciliation or divorce—approach it with clarity and intention. If saving your marriage appeals to you in the slightest, commit to six months of deep, genuine work with professional help. Like many couples, it may be the best thing you ever did. During couples therapy, you’ll learn to communicate and understand better, not to mention finally dealing with negative thoughts that continuously bother you.
Even after therapy, divorce might emerge as the right option. But you’ll be making that choice mindfully, ensuring old patterns don’t take root in future relationships.
Your marriage deserves either a dignified ending or a meaningful renewal. Couples therapy can help you to determine which way you want to go. The clarity you gain will serve you well, whatever you decide–and your therapist will support you either way.
