The Connection Between Physical Touch and Emotional Trust

Emo­tion­al trust is the foun­da­tion of any func­tion­al rela­tion­ship — you don’t need a psy­chol­o­gy degree to con­clude that. How­ev­er, you may not be aware of the deep con­nec­tion between phys­i­cal touch and emo­tion­al trust. While their causal link may not be intu­itive, in real­i­ty, one is impos­si­ble with­out the oth­er. It’s one of the things that makes the avoidant attach­ment style so dif­fi­cult to deal with.

Let’s explore why.

Why Is Physical Touch Crucial?

Any ther­a­pist will tell you that many peo­ple who are unhap­py with their rela­tion­ship feel like they lack affec­tion.

They often com­plain of their part­ners “pulling away” from them or that they’re feel­ing “lone­ly” even in a rela­tion­ship. Even when their part­ners behave lov­ing­ly in oth­er ways and clear­ly show that they care — a lack of phys­i­cal touch is the actu­al prob­lem.

Since phys­i­cal touch can be a pow­er­ful anti­dote to feel­ings of iso­la­tion, it’s par­tic­u­lar­ly impor­tant for younger gen­er­a­tions who report high lev­els of dis­con­nec­tion. With ris­ing dis­cus­sions around Gen Z and lone­li­ness, the role of phys­i­cal con­nec­tion in build­ing emo­tion­al trust and fos­ter­ing deep­er rela­tion­ships, can­not be over­looked.

Is a Loving Relationship Without Physicality Possible?

It can take a while for some­one to under­stand what they’re lack­ing in a rela­tion­ship, but it often comes down to phys­i­cal affec­tion. Even if some­one says “the right things” and extends ges­tures that point toward a lov­ing rela­tion­ship — small phys­i­cal touch­es (or a lack there­of) can be the decid­ing fac­tor.

If there’s no phys­i­cal atten­tion — from a small kiss in pass­ing to actu­al love life — peo­ple often feel like they’re sim­ply shar­ing their apart­ment with a room­mate.

This shouldn’t be under­es­ti­mat­ed as a key fac­tor in rela­tion­ships. Accord­ing to research, a lack of phys­i­cal con­tact with oth­ers (espe­cial­ly loved ones) can even lead to anx­i­ety, depres­sion, and oth­er men­tal health issues.

When we lack touch, even pla­ton­i­cal­ly, we can’t seem to devel­op deep emo­tion­al con­nec­tions.

How Does Touch Affect Emotional Trust?

The con­nec­tion between phys­i­cal touch and emo­tion­al trust runs so deep because it traces back to our hor­mon­al respons­es. With­out phys­i­cal inti­ma­cy, we don’t pro­duce as much oxy­tocin — a hor­mone asso­ci­at­ed with feel­ings of love.

On the oth­er hand, an affec­tion­ate touch from a part­ner can kick­start the pro­duc­tion of oxy­tocin, increas­ing our feel­ings of attach­ment — and, more impor­tant­ly, emo­tion­al trust. Over the long run, we begin to asso­ciate our part­ner with that feel­ing and with feel­ings of close­ness and secu­ri­ty.

There are fur­ther ben­e­fits to a lov­ing touch. When we feel the touch of some­one we con­sid­er close and “safe”, our body reacts by low­er­ing its gen­er­al stress lev­els. We pro­duce less cor­ti­sol and low­er our blood pres­sure and heart rate instinc­tive­ly. Since cor­ti­sol is con­sid­ered the main stress-relat­ed hor­mone, this is a remark­able effect — all from a sim­ple hug or kiss.

In fact, the right touch can increase our sero­tonin lev­els, even low­er­ing phys­i­cal pain in the process. We begin releas­ing endor­phins, which make us immi­nent­ly hap­pi­er. After all, they’re one of the body’s main relax­ation mech­a­nisms.

That’s why peo­ple in rela­tion­ships with a healthy dose of phys­i­cal­i­ty are ulti­mate­ly hap­pi­er and exhib­it less tox­ic behav­ior. Their partner’s car­ing touch pro­vides an instant coun­ter­mea­sure to dai­ly stres­sors. This is espe­cial­ly impor­tant in dif­fi­cult times, and it’s why a warm embrace is some­times enough to get us through a par­tic­u­lar­ly tough day.

Using Touch To Improve Well-Being

We’ve con­clud­ed that the con­nec­tion between phys­i­cal touch and emo­tion­al trust is real and impact­ful. Now, the ques­tion is — how can you active­ly use it to improve your dai­ly well-being?

To main­tain the fresh­ness of your rela­tion­ship, try to pro­vide your part­ner with all the lov­ing phys­i­cal­i­ty they need dai­ly. If the rela­tion­ship is healthy, they will do the same for you in return. Doing fun activ­i­ties near each oth­er, watch­ing a movie while cud­dling, and shar­ing down­time in gen­er­al — all of these are ample oppor­tu­ni­ties for a warm hug or kiss.

In sim­pler terms — when you and your part­ner are each other’s main source of phys­i­cal touch, you’ll also devel­op the strongest lev­el of emo­tion­al trust. After all, it’s the main way to com­mu­ni­cate your com­mit­ment and affec­tion. And you shouldn’t under­es­ti­mate the pow­er of even the small­est touch­es — like a peck on the cheek or a hug in pass­ing. They’re all dai­ly reminders of your sup­port for your part­ner — and vice ver­sa.

Making The Most of Each Interaction

There are always oppor­tu­ni­ties for phys­i­cal touch when you spend time with your part­ner. To use them, make the most of each inter­ac­tion. For instance, instead of watch­ing a movie on dif­fer­ent sides of the couch, active­ly get clos­er to your part­ner and ini­ti­ate phys­i­cal­i­ty.

On the oth­er hand, you can also choose more activ­i­ties that are more phys­i­cal — like danc­ing lessons or shared work­out rou­tines. It doesn’t have to be any­thing fan­cy or time-con­sum­ing. At the end of the day, even a walk in the neigh­bor­hood park can be enough.

Phys­i­cal close­ness in the bed­room is also impor­tant to main­tain, even just through cud­dling before going to sleep.

Be More Spontaneous

To keep the spark alive and pro­mote emo­tion­al trust, give your part­ner a quick touch at ran­dom times through­out the day. You can even offer them a mas­sage after an espe­cial­ly hard day. If you dis­play your affec­tion gen­er­ous­ly to a lov­ing part­ner, they will be prompt­ed to do the same in return. And there’s no need to wait for a spe­cial moment to do so.

Establish Mutual Comfort

Need­less to say, mutu­al com­fort is cru­cial for suc­cess­ful­ly devel­op­ing the phys­i­cal­i­ty of your rela­tion­ship. If you notice that your part­ner is pulling away from your car­ing touch, try not to be offend­ed or dis­play guilt and shame.

Instead, real­ize that this lack of phys­i­cal­i­ty is mere­ly the man­i­fes­ta­tion of a deep­er issue. There’s like­ly some­thing else pos­ing a prob­lem here — try to open­ly and effec­tive­ly com­mu­ni­cate to find out what. After you address the issue caus­ing your part­ner to pull away, it will be eas­i­er to re-estab­lish your phys­i­cal­i­ty and emo­tion­al trust.

Therapists Utah County

A touch is far more than a mere ges­ture. Being com­fort­able with a partner’s touch is the pre­mier sign of a healthy mar­riage or rela­tion­ship. And the con­nec­tion between phys­i­cal touch and emo­tion­al trust means that the absence of phys­i­cal­i­ty will hurt your emo­tion­al bond in the long run.

With that in mind, make an active effort to main­tain the phys­i­cal­i­ty of your rela­tion­ship. It will make resolv­ing any prac­ti­cal or emo­tion­al issues eas­i­er.

Let’s Talk About What is Going On

Resources:
https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1002/ijop.12616
https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/oxytocin-the-love-hormone
https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/articles/22572-serotonin