Attach­ment the­o­ry, a con­cept for­mu­lat­ed by psy­chol­o­gist John Bowl­by delves into how ear­ly rela­tion­ships, with care­givers shape an indi­vid­u­al’s rela­tion­al growth. One of these attach­ment styles is called avoidant attach­ment. Peo­ple with this type of attach­ment tend to keep their dis­tance and retreat from inti­mate con­nec­tions. If you’re some­one who iden­ti­fies with this pat­tern in your rela­tion­ships, keep read­ing for strate­gies for ways to improve not only your attach­ment, but also your rela­tion­ships with oth­ers.

You’ve prob­a­bly noticed that you aren’t sat­is­fied in your rela­tion­ships. You may have received the feed­back that you are too emo­tion­al­ly dis­tant. You may have an avoidant attach­ment style. Hav­ing an avoidant attach­ment style gen­er­al­ly means that you are expe­ri­enc­ing resis­tance to cre­at­ing emo­tion­al ties and may not feel com­fort­able with inti­ma­cy with oth­ers.

Heal­ing from the avoidant attach­ment demands a mul­ti-pronged approach that focus­es on the devel­op­ment of self-aware­ness, ther­a­peu­tic inter­ven­tions, and train­ing in emo­tion­al skills. The whole process of heal­ing starts with being self-aware (Simp­son 1990).

Self-aware­ness can give some­one the abil­i­ty to notice when he or she feels com­pelled to with­draw from an emo­tion­al con­nec­tion with oth­er per­sons, a behav­ior that may arise from past expe­ri­ences that may have taught them to sup­press their needs and emo­tions to avoid rejec­tion or con­flict (Simp­son 1990).

Indi­vid­ual, per­son­al­ized ther­a­py offers an envi­ron­ment for peo­ple to address their con­cerns and exam­ine how they impact their rela­tion­ships with oth­ers. Per­son­al­ized ther­a­py ses­sions focus on under­stand­ing the intri­ca­cies of behav­ior lead­ing to an insight and cus­tomized approach­es, for per­son­al growth (O’Connor et al., 2019). Per­son­al­ized ther­a­py is help­ful because it cre­ates a rela­tion­ship built on trust and active col­lab­o­ra­tion between you and your therapist—on your terms.

Group ther­a­py is anoth­er way that you can devel­op insights as well as learn from others—such as how they share sim­i­lar strug­gles and dif­fer­ent ways they cope, adjust, or recov­er (Miller et al., 2015).

Par­tic­i­pa­tion in mind­ful­ness and emo­tion­al intel­li­gence train­ing. Mind­ful­ness-Based Inter­ven­tions (MBSR) have been shown to reduce stress and enhance emo­tion­al reg­u­la­tion (West et al., 2022). Researchers have found that peo­ple with avoidant attach­ment and high emo­tion­al intel­li­gence may expe­ri­ence reduced lone­li­ness and iso­la­tion which then aids in improv­ing rela­tion­ship dynam­ics such as relat­ing to oth­ers (Boraws­ki et al., 2022; Wang et al., 2022). This strat­e­gy works in two ways:

• First, it helps you to remain present and aware of your emo­tions with­out judg­ment, grad­u­al­ly reduc­ing the auto­mat­ic with­draw­al response, which is typ­i­cal of avoidant attach­ment.
• Sec­ond, you receive edu­ca­tion and resources in build­ing emo­tion­al intel­li­gence to rec­og­nize, under­stand, and then man­age your emo­tions.

How to Stop Being Avoidant

Improv­ing your avoidant attach­ment can feel like a daunt­ing process. Hav­ing a net­work of sup­port can be extreme­ly help­ful to you as you work on improv­ing your attach­ment style. Here are some strate­gies to remem­ber:

• This is a marathon, not a spring. The process of being emo­tion­al­ly avail­able is not a one-time instant process, it hap­pens grad­u­al­ly.
• Ongo­ing and per­sis­tent self-work effort; this would include tak­ing time for peri­od­ic self-reflec­tion and jour­nal­ing can help you to mon­i­tor the changes that occur and make them con­crete, by doc­u­ment­ing them.
• Dis­com­fort will be a con­stant com­pan­ion. A huge part of this entails rec­og­niz­ing and accept­ing the full range of your feel­ings, even when doing so may feel daunt­ing or uncom­fort­able at first. Stud­ies indi­cate that avoid­ing emo­tions might not change how we feel inside.
• Change is pos­si­ble. You can alter how we express these feel­ings through prac­tice (Lern­er et al., 2015). For exam­ple, you can iden­ti­fy and chal­lenge neg­a­tive think­ing pat­terns. Lean­ing into emo­tions can help you to cre­ate dif­fer­ent habits, reduc­ing the nat­ur­al ten­den­cy to pull away from emo­tions that tell you to dis­tance, run, or avoid.
• Remem­ber your val­ues. Per­haps you iden­ti­fied that this is a bar­ri­er to your rela­tion­ships and you want to improve those rela­tion­ships. Per­haps you want ot be clos­er to your roman­tic part­ner. Remem­ber­ing your rea­son for start­ing can help you in the uncom­fort­able times.
• Main­tain­ing self-dis­ci­pline. Research sug­gests that self-dis­ci­pline is essen­tial, for adher­ing to soci­etal stan­dards and con­trol­ling behav­iors that could hin­der indi­vid­ual and inter­per­son­al progress (DeBono et al., 2010). Behav­ioral acti­va­tion, a tech­nique used in forms of ther­a­py involves engag­ing in ful­fill­ing activ­i­ties to coun­ter­act the ten­den­cy towards with­draw­al and pas­siv­i­ty often asso­ci­at­ed with avoid­ance behav­iors (Sudak et al., 2014). By rein­te­grat­ing and con­sis­tent­ly prac­tic­ing these activ­i­ties, you can improve.

If you feel like you’re strug­gling, your ther­a­pist isn’t the best fit, your strate­gies aren’t work­ing, or your sup­port sys­tem isn’t what you’d like it to be, reach out for ther­a­py to come work with me. I’d be hap­py to learn about your sit­u­a­tion and share the ways that I can help.

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Conclusion

In short, the road to recov­ery from an avoidant attach­ment style will require a blend of self-aware­ness, ther­a­peu­tic inter­ven­tion, and prac­ti­cal strate­gies tai­lor-made to help build health­i­er rela­tion­ships. For indi­vid­u­als with an avoidant attach­ment style, the focus rests on 1) increas­ing emo­tion­al open­ness, 2) learn­ing to engage more deeply with oth­ers through con­sis­tent self-work, 3) improved com­mu­ni­ca­tion, and 4) com­mit­ting to work with a pro­fes­sion­al.

By com­mit­ting to pro­fes­sion­al help, you can move towards more secure attach­ments, char­ac­ter­ized by a) enhanced self-esteem, b) greater inde­pen­dence, and c) the capac­i­ty to engage in ful­fill­ing and mutu­al­ly sup­port­ive rela­tion­ships. Under­stand­ing and chang­ing your rela­tion­ship pat­terns can help you to fur­ther improve your well-being and more ful­ly enjoy the qual­i­ty of rela­tion­ships, by cre­at­ing deep­er con­nec­tions. Trans­for­ma­tion awaits.

References

Borawski, D., Sojda, M., Rychlewska, K., & Wajs, T. (2022). Attached but lonely: emotional intelligence as a mediator and moderator between attachment styles and loneliness. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 19(22), 14831. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph192214831

Lerner, J., Li, Y., Valdesolo, P., & Kassam, K. (2015). Emotion and decision making. Annual Review of Psychology, 66(1), 799–823. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-psych-010213–115043

Miller, R., Bills, S., Kubricht, B., Sandberg, J., Bean, R., & Ketring, S. (2015). Attachment as a predictor of the therapeutic alliance in couple therapy. American Journal of Family Therapy, 43(3), 215–226. https://doi.org/10.1080/01926187.2015.1034635

O’Connor, S., Kivlighan, D., Hill, C., & Gelso, C. (2019). Therapist–client agreement about their working alliance: associations with attachment styles. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 66(1), 83–93. https://doi.org/10.1037/cou0000303

Simpson, J. (1990). Influence of attachment styles on romantic relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 59(5), 971–980. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022–3514.59.5.971

Wang, Y., Xiao, B., Tao, Y., & Li, Y. (2022). The relationship between mindfulness and job burnout of Chinese preschool teachers: the mediating effects of emotional intelligence and coping style. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 19(12), 7129. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph19127129